Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Season 6 Quotes

Season 6, Episode 1: "Big Days"

Barney: If I had my dad's number, I'd never not be on the phone with him.
Lily: Wow, that was really...
Barney: Whoa a hottie with a body! Boing!
Lily: Brief.

Barney: Robin, girls are like cartons of milk. Each one has a hotness expiration date and you've hit yours. I'm not saying the occasional guy won't still open the fridge open you up, take a sniff, shrug and take a sip anyway, but it's all down hill from here.

Barney [to Robin]: Ah you're exquisite; you must let me paint you.

Barney [to Robin]: This, what you're doing right now? I'm getting a De-rection.

Barney: Robin, seriously, I love you, but it's like you have squiggly carton odor lines coming off you right now.

Ted: She's got her shields up anyway; she's reading a book.
Barney: Yeah! At a bar! The book might as well be called Are Ya There Barney? It's Me Horny. That is not what "shields up" looks like. (Enter Robin disheveled) THAT is what "shields up" looks like.

Barney: Oh yeah? Be my guest. Fall in love with her, get married. Just know this, when I step up to make my toast as your best man?
Ted: Actually Marshall will probably be my-

Barney: Oh Ted you got your beer label in a bunch over nothing. Listen to your Uncle Barney. You have no reason to be nervous, none whatsoever. And I'm going to tell you why in one word.
Ted: And what's that word?
Barney: DIBS!

Ted: Barney I really have to grade these papers.
Barney: I'm sorry. I'll let you work...But first a riddle! What piece of women's attire stokes a man's desire?
Ted: A sundress.
Barney: Correct. What lightweight outfit pink or white makes the front of my slacks abnormally tight?
Ted: I really have to get this done.
Barney: Of course of course. Sundress by the way.

Barney: Dude you are so in, a high five doesn't cut it. High Six!
Ted: She didn't see us High Six did she?
Robin: No.
Barney: Good. That was pretty lame.
Ted: Yeah, let's never do that again.

Barney: You saucy little minx, you sun dressed up.

Episode 2: "Cleaning House"

Barney: Why do white people like Carrot Top?

Barney: Man, try to hail a cab in Manhattan, am I right? Nope, no one's stopping for this.

Barney: Look at us... it's like three of the same guy. Oh my god, this explains why I was always so good at basketball. Guys, I'm black, sorry African American, no I'm allowed to say both.

Barney: Ah, Valentines, the second base of third grade.

Barney: You guys are adorable. You honestly believe that I, Barney Stinson, can't talk you into this? I got the queen to give me a fist bump.

Barney: Guys, I know you count the minutes until you can escape from your hum drum lives by hearing how awesome mine is.

Barney: So this chick and I are going at it behind the Central Park Zoo, the bonobo chimps are giving us a standing O and just when I'm about to give her the same thing - what up?

Episode 3: "Unfinished"

Barney: Barney Stinson allllllllllllllways gets the yes.

Barney: Fine I'll have a three way with Hot and Kinda Hot while Giggles works the camera. I ride!

Barney: Ted I admire your loyalty. You've had that hairstyle forever. You don't care that it's out of style or that it's been co-opted by the lesbian community. You stick with it. To Ted!

Barney: Chrissie I love your glasses. They totally pull focus up from that whole chin situation you got going on. To Chrissie!

Barney: Do you remember how awesome it was to be coworkers, nay ... Bro-workers?

Barney: Call me old fashioned but I need to have sex with a girl at least three times before I'll even consider having dinner with her.

Barney: Golden Rule. I do not buy dinner to get the Yes. Dinner is a very intimate activity. It requires a level of connection and eye contact that sex just doesn't.

Episode 4: "Subway Wars"

Barney: Check it, I just drove a Pedi cab 26 blocks and I still smell incredible.

Barney: And firing half my department freed up the money to double my own salary, and this chick from Boston was wicked hot in bed last night, and I'm getting more muscular even though I've stopped working out, and I have this amazing poker group, and I smell incredible, just, here, seriously smell me.

Barney: The bus? Every time I take the bus there is always that one crazy person that no one wants to sit near and that is why I have never taken the bus.

Barney: Puffy cheeks, smudged mascara, slightly red nose, that girl was just crying. She's so sad and defenseless. Anyone have a condom?

Episode 5: "Architect of Destruction"

Barney: And stop shouting, you're scaring Cottontail.
Ted: You named the rabbit?
Barney: You took longer to get here than I thought, we bonded and I'm keeping her.

Barney: And for the love of god, boobs?
Ted: Solid C Cup perky bounce
Barney: Momentary grudging respect.

Barney: Asian girls love them some Jews.

Barney: Ted that is so romantic, I want to fill a pillow case with dead batteries and beat you with it.

Trish the secretary: Excuse me Mr. Stinson?

Barney: Dude working together is going to be legen- wait for it ...I'll send you an inter office memo with the rest because we friggin' work together!

Episode 6: "Baby Talk"

Barney: Want to come to my house and play telephone? I've got the string you've got the cans.

Barney: That is what makes you the most amazing, strong, independent woman I have ever banged.

Marshall: Hey, Barney, that prime rib was surprisingly good, but it's ten thirty in the morning I don't really need to see a lady get naked and dance.
Barney: Oh Esther gets naked, but she doesn't dance... That WAS my card!

Episode 7: "Canning Randy"

Barney: I love the office Halloween party, it is so much sluttier than the office Christmas Party though not as freaky as the office Presidents Day rave.

Barney: I'll say this, there is no quit in that guy. You should fire him.

Episode 8: "Natural History"

Robin: You wanna dance? Let's dance.
Barney: I live for the dance
Robin: Get your other hand, off my ass.
Barney: Sorry, sorry.

Episode 9: "Glitter"

Barney: He has got to go, you need to be like you are the weakest link goodbye! Punchy, the tribe has spoken. Please pack up your knives and go. Your work of art, didn't work for me. You're times up. I have to ask you to leave the mansion. You must leave the chateau. Your tour ends here. You've been chopped! You've been evicted from the Big Brother house. Your desert just didn't measure up. Sashay away! Give me your jacket and leave Hell's kitchen! You did not get a rose. You have been eliminated from the race. You are no longer in the running to be America's Next Top Model. You're fired. Auf Wiedersehen.

Barney: Space? Teens? Is this a porno?!?!

Barney: It's Robin Sparkles 3 ya'll!

Barney: SCIENCE! There is an 83% correlation between the times men wear boutonnieres and the times they get laid. Think about it, proms, weddings, grandmas funerals...Thanks for the redhead Nana. The everyday boutonniere, by Stinson.
Robin: Aaaand nope!

Marshall: Oh you're wearing a flower.
Barney: Thank You!
Marshall: I didn't compliment, just observed.

Episode 10: "Blitzgiving"

Barney: You're all the Blitz! I slept with that cute Indian girl that cuts my hair.
Robin: What does that have to do with anything?
Barney: Nothing I just forgot to brag about it before!

Barney: Robin! Robin! I will pay you to be the Blitz. A hundred dollars, no! Ten thousand dollars, no! Sixty bucks. What's a lot of money to someone like you?

Zoey: Barney was here? I was walking around half naked.
Barney: Aw Man! Wait which half?

Episode 11: "The Mermaid Theory"

Lily: Whenever we're alone you spend the entire time undressing me with your eyes, you even take off my shoes.
Barney: High heels chafe my shoulders.

Barney: Told yah, The Mermaid Theory, it's a thing. You owe me five hundred bucks.
Marshall: Did we bet on this?
Barney: Let's say yes.

Barney: Mark my words, Marshall, someday you will find Iris so excruciatingly attractive you won't be able to look her directly in the boobs.

Lily: And the most important rule of all...
Barney: Lubricant is public property.

Lily: Anytime a single guy hangs out with a married woman there are rules that must be followed. Rule number one...
Barney: Don't use the husband's condoms, that's just rude.

Episode 12: "False Positive"

Lily: I'm pregnant.
Barney: I've never seen that woman before in my life! Sorry force of habit, congratulations!

Barney: I am Mr. Charity. I frequently sleep with sixes, chubsters, over thirty's. I am the Bill and Melinda Gates of the sympathy bang.

Barney: A Yuletide riddle. What is my second favorite word that begins with B-O-N?
Ted: Bon Jovi?
Barney: What is my third favorite that begins with B-O-N? Buzzer... BONUS!

Barney: Who's the eye broccoli?

Barney: I can't give this suit back, I glow in the dark. Ted, I finally glow in the dark!

Barney: I'm taking the rest of my bonus to God's strip club.
Barney: Velour tracksuits! Remote control helicopters! Condoms! And last but not least there is a fleet of limos outside waiting to take us to...A STRIP CLUB! You get a lap dance! You get a lap dance! You're going to give me a lap dance! Everyone gets a lap dance!

Episode 13: "Bad News"

Marshall: Tell him that I might not be able to give him a grandchild? I don't even know how to have that conversation.
Barney: I'll show you. Dad, uh there's something I need to tell you. It's going to come as a bit of a shock. You are speaking to the 2011 Tri County Laser Tag Co Champion.

Barney: How you doing Lily? Should I have a boner?

Lily: How did you do it?
Barney: Oh god you found one of the cameras.

Episode 14: "Last Words"

Judy: Who got cousin Daphne drunk? She is fifteen.
Robin: They grow them big out here.
Barney: And here's your number back.

Barney: We're gonna get out bro a four star nad rattler. You search knees, feet, banisters, fire hydrants and diving boards. And I'll cover bats, rackets, hockey sticks, golf clubs and riding props.
Ted: What about animals?
Barney: Uh claws, paws, talons, hooves, beaks and clenched monkey's fists, we can do this!

Episode 15: "Oh Honey"

Barney: It was actually pretty noble of him. He fell on his sword, so that she could fall on mine.

Barney: That family tree of yours has a couple of pretty big coconuts. We had a pretty good time last night and then just hand stuff in the morning so.

Episode 16: "Desperation Day"

Barney: And I thought Pompeii was smoking.

Barney: Umm, is it getting crowded in here, because I think there are two peas in this pod?

Barney: And she sticks the landing, why don't you start stretching and I'll be right back.

Barney: Please, you might as well be dog-earing a tear stained bridal magazine while wolfing down the box of chocolates you had delivered to yourself at work from your fiancé that no one has ever met.
Bev: Gerard is real!

Barney: February 13th, a magical night, where a Ten has the self esteem of a four and the depraved enthusiasm of a Two.

Barney: Whoa check out that one! Her body is a perfect X.

Episode 17: "Garbage Island"

Lily: You should work at a carnival.
Barney: I tried; they're pretty strict with backgrounds.

Barney: You've been pork free so long you're practically kosher.

Barney: She had a nice face, her booty was in place, but Barney don't chase.

Barney: She was a really great Lazer Tag partner. She's tiny so she's allowed to push kids.

Episode 18: "A Change Of Heart"

Barney: I want to be confused with you.

Barney: Never ever meet a girl's parents.
Ted: Not even if she is hot?
Barney: Not even if her mom's hot?

Barney: The N'Sync concert?
Ted: 1998 Cleveland's Agora Theater, front row, caught JC's shirt, what else you got

Nora: I'm sorry I've been trying not to stare at your chest all night.
Barney: Hahaha, what's that like?

Cardiologist: What happened at 8:46 PM last night.?
Barney: Well let's see, Wheel of Fortune, naked push ups, naked chin ups... oh I was at dinner.

Barney: Never screw over a girl whose last name ends in a vowel, because she's got brothers.

Lily: Ooo Barney's got feelings for a girl.
Barney: Yeah, penis feelings!

Episode 19: "Legendaddy"

Barney: No you were right. A kid needs a hoop.

J.J.: I got a paper route.
Barney: Bah! Good time to get into print media right Dad?

Barney: Ted this is your seduction lounge. Sex swing here, vibrating jello pit right there, rotating Vietnamese shame wheel right here...don't ask you're not ready.

Episode 20: "The Exploding Meatball Sub"

Barney: You want to make God laugh, tell him your plans right?
Robin: What is wrong with you?

Random Girl: How can you not remember my name...it rhymes with your name?
Barney: And I said my name was?

Barney: Marshall you can't pay your mortgage with hacky sacks and good vibes.

Season 5 Quotes

Season 5, Episode 1: "Definitions"

Barney: I'm always punching guys, girls, I'll even punch a baby, I don't care

Barney: How do you keep a girl from becoming your girlfriend? Simple, the rules for girls are the same as gremlins. Rule number one: never get them wet. In otherwards, don't let her take a shower in your place. Rule number two: keep them away from sunlight. i.e don't ever see them during the day. And rule number three: never feed them after midnight. Meaning she doesn't sleep over and you don't have breakfast with her, ever
Ted: What about brunch? Is brunch cool?
Barney: No Ted, brunch is not cool

Barney: You still seeing that guy?
Robin: Even better, seeing him naked
Barney: I shoud go see this Chinese girl I met.. I just had her last night and I already feel like seconds

Barney: That, my friends, is the dominator 5000, the best bull whip on the market according to my whip guy. Yeah, I have a whip guy. [makes whip sound]

Episode 2: "Double Date"

Barney: I don't come here that often
Waitress: Hey Barney, here's your usual and I'll send you your other usual when she's done stretching
Barney: Thank you kindly, stranger

Barney: Guess who got four tickets to the the origins of chewbaca exhibit?
Lily: Why?
Barney: No, I said who
Lily: I heard you
Robin: Isn't it a little early in our relationship to be doing things that would end our relationship?

Episode 3: "Robin 101"

Ted: Pop quiz. When robin is PMSing what kind of chocolate should youg et her?
Barney: Trick question. Get her butter scotch.
Ted: Correct. Why?
Barney: Butter scotch is to Canadian women what chocolate is to American women

Barney: I can't believe I'm taking sexual advice from Ted Mosby, that's like taking fashion advice from well... Ted Mosby

Ted: You were like the worst student in the world, weren't you?
Barney: They said I AD...something... can we have class outside?

Barney: Funny thing, and this is just me, I like my balls attached to my body instead of rolling around next to some eyeliner in Robin's purse. Stinson out.

Episode 4: "The Sexless Innkeeper"

Barney: Twas the night before New Years and the weather grew mean. Twas three in the morning and I was stranded in Queens! The tavern grew empty, the gaslights grew dim. The horse-drawn carriages were all but snowed in. Last call was approaching and my fortunes looked bleak, then I turned to my left and stifled a shriek! She had a peach fuzz beard and weighed 16 stone. She gobbled up hot wings..and swallowed the bones. I muffled a scream, and threw up in my mouth. I asked "Where do you live?" and she said "One block south". I swallowed my pride, and six shots of whiskey. And prayed to the Gods that she wasn't too frisky. Back in her cave, she prepared a snack. Beneath her mighty hooves, the floorboards did crack. But when she returned, she found a sound sleeper...and thus she became the Sexless Innkeeper and so are you

Ted: Barney, are you wearing sweat pants?
Barney: Maybe, but they're Armani!

Barney: The US Navy discovered aliens at the bottom of the ocean and for reasons I can't explain, they selected Robin and I to lead the expedition
Lily: That sounds like stuff you say to women when you're trying to get rid of them
Marshall: That's exactly what is sounds like, but if it's true that sounds totally awesome

Barney: Ted, you mentioned that you lived upstairs. She saw that tweed jacket which basically says you're not interested in nor probably even capable of having sex and she thought, hey, free lodging

Barney: Ahh tweed, the official fabric of the eunuch

Episode 5: "Duel Citizenship"

Robin: How do you know the Canadian citizenship test is easy?
Barney: It's Canada. Question one, do you want to be Canadian? Question two, really?

Barney [about Canadian $5 bill]: There's kids playing hockey on the back. It's like you want us to make fun of you!

Barney: Canada's not so bad. If they play their cards right they may even become a state one day

Barney: ...to prove you are as American as apple pie and the childhood obesity it leads to...

Episode 6: "Bagpipes"

Barney: There are so many great things to do with the human mouth, why waste it on talking?

Barney: Robin and I have been keeping track of how many beds we've had sex in. We've had sex in 83 and a half beds
Ted: A half?
Barney: 19th century ottoman in an antique space

Episode 7: "The Rough Patch"

Barney: Open it open it open it open it! It's my porn collection. Wait, no it's not. That would be weird.
Ted: It's your porn collection.
Barney: It's my porn collection!

Robin: We watched a movie last night
Barney: It was legen... wait for it... gends of the fall. Not that good.

Barney: He's not a doll, he's a storm trooper
Robin: Then why's he wearing a diaper?
Barney: That's not a diaper, that's protective armor
Robin: More like storm pooper

Barney [prerecored on porn tape]: Hello, Ted. If you're watching this tape, and I knew you'd pick this one, you're now in posession of my porn. And this can only mean one of two things: either I'm dead or I'm in a committed relationship. If I'm dead I want you to honor my memory by taking my body to the Hamptons and recreate Weekend at Bernies. I want to dance, go fishing, and I want to have sex with a girl. If on the other hand I'm in a committed relationship, as your best friend I have only one request... for the love of god get me out of it

Barney: Your girlfriend? She's your girl.. friend? She's a girl and a friend? Do not humanize the enemy, Ted.

Barney: We both like scotch. We're both awesome.
Robin: Maybe that's the problem. Maybe there's just too much awesome here.
Barney: Yes. Two awesomes cancel each other out. I'm tired of being canceled out.

Robin: Neil Young is a Canadian treasure. DO NOT make fun of Neil Young.
Barney: Robin, I would never make fun of a defenseless old lady with vocal cord paralysis.

Barney: You know what they say about relationships. Every waking moment's a battle.

Barney: Sorry Ted. I'm my own wing man tonight.

Episode 8: "The Playbook"

Barney: I hope you're happy with yourself. You broke that girl's heart!
Lily: Me?!
Barney: You! She'll probably never trust a guy again. You ruined her for Ted! Not to mention Julio van Matterhorn, Lorenzo's twin brother.

Lily: That is awful. You realize you broke her heart, right? She's inconsolable!
Barney: Why would she be inconsolable? Lorenzo's balloon won't disappear over the arctic for another week.

Lily: Don't you think you're rushing back into this?
Barney: Lily, since I stopped dating Robin, there's this thing I haven't used as much as I would like. It's kind of big. Surprisingly heavy. Kind of leathery. And it's black.
Lily: Huh?
Barney: This, my friends, is the playbook!

Barney: An actress? Of course, that explains her impeccable diction and her slutiness

Lily: Barney I've had Shelly set aside for three years
Barney: Dude, Ted was not missing out. She's brainy and annoying. Kind of boring in the sack. Oh I guess she would have been perfect for Ted. Whoops.

Barney: Barney Stinson is back on the market. Mothers, lock up your daughters. Daughters, lock up your MILSWANCA's.
Marshall: MILSWANCA's?
Ted: Oh wait, I can get this. Mothers I'd Like to Sleep With and Never Call Again
Barney: Correct, circle gets a square
Barney: See the blonde over there by the bar? Tizzarget acquizzired!
Robin: Barney, don't do this ...
Barney: Oh, give it a rest, pest.

Girl: Really, a genie comes out of it?
Barney: Only if you rub it hard enough.

Barney: I think we all know who's responsible for this.
Lily: Yes we do.
Barney: Al Qaeda.
Lily: No, you idiot. It was me.
Barney: YOU sonofabitch!!!

Barney: [narrating] All you have to walk up to every single girl and say "He's not coming."
Girl: What are you talking about?
Barney: Never mind.

Barney: The Lorenzo van Matterhorn will be my triumphant return to the stage! Or, you know, the bed. Actually, my bed is kind of a stage. I could put a platform underneath, make it a real production ...

 Barney: Cheap tricks? Not one of these is a cheap trick! [pauses] Well, except for the Cheap Trick.

Episode 10: "The Window"

Barney [to random girl]: Hey.
Robin: Oh, he's not saying hello, he's just telling you what he feeds his horses. Oh man, I could sit here and make "you look like a farmer" jokes all night. Challenge accepted.

Barney [about Marshall's overalls]: No one, I mean no one could get laid wearing these. Challenge accepted. I, Barney Stinson, of sound mind and amazing body will wear these overalls until have sex with a woman.

Ted: I sent a cab with a female driver so she would have no other male interaction until she came to me.
Barney: Where she will still have no interaction with a man. What up? I feel good tonight. Tonight's gonna be good.

Ted: You know how everyone has that guy or girl that no matter what happens, you know will be perfect for you.
Marshall: Lily.
Robin: Mike Shacks.
Barney: That girl over there.

Barney: [on phone] Ten minutes and the window's closed.
Ted: What? Ten minutes?!
Barney: Because we're bros.

Ted: I forgot what it feels like to chase the real thing but I think I'm ready again.
Barney: Yeah...let me tell you were I'm at.. I want to have sex with a girl so I can take off these overalls.

Jim: I've been in love with her for five years.
Ted: I've been in love with her for twelve years.
Barney: I've been in these overalls for an hour and a half.

Episode 11: "Last Cigarette Ever"

Barney: [walks in, sees Robin bent over in yoga pose, smoking] I just left something like this in my apartment.

Lily: Maybe smoking isn't so bad. It gets us out in the fresh air.
Barney: Yeah and all the coughing really works my abs.

Barney: Remember when we used to be able to smoke IN bars?
[flash back to smoke-filled haze]
Ted: Hey dude, I think that hot girl over there is smiling at me.
Barney: Uhh, that's a chair. But yeah, dude, hit that!

Ted: They're dividing our group into smokers and non-smokers. That's not healthy.
Barney: You're right. [pause] Let's go have a smoke!

Barney: What do you think cigarettes are doing right now? Do you think they're thinking of us?

Barney: I am not a smoker. I only smoke in certain situations: post-coital, when I'm with Germans, sometimes those two overlaps, coital, birthdays, to annoy my mom, pre-coital, on a sailboat, the day The Mets are mathematically eliminated every year, and, of course, wait for it, cause lord knows I have, pregnancy scares.
Ted: Why are you smoking right now?
Barney: I'm always pre-coital, Ted.

Episode 12: "Girls Vs. Suits"

Barney: Only two things could cause that commotion - boobs.

Barney: (about picking world peace over his suits) I'm gonna stop you right there. It's the suits. Come on, Lily, get your head out of your ass.

Barney: To score would be just fine, but I would rather be dressed to the nines.

Barney: No! My suit gave its life for this cause and I will not rest till she is mine.

Tim: Your suits death is another suits life.
Barney: Do it.
Tim: You're doing the right thing.
(Barney sobs)
Tim: Please don't cry on this - it's silk.

Barney: Suits and insecure woman. I hate them I really just hate them.

Barney: I'm going to be like, "drop the act baby doll daddy needs another gin and tonic".

Episode 13: "Jenkins"

Barney: And there's about to be one more story - I'm gonna bang Jenkins.
Ted: Wait you want to have sex with Jenkins?
Barney: With Jenkins, on Jenkins, near Jenkins - you name it. I wanna wear Jenkins like a sock.

Episode 14: "The Perfect Week"

Barney: Thanks Jim, I couldn't have done it without my teammates.

Barney: Whatever girl I'm pointing to right now - I am going home with her tonight.

Barney: That woman nursing a Black Russian is about to chase it with a White American!

Barney: Jim, there's nothing routine about the way I get down.

Barney's boss: I know this week has been tough on you.
Barney: I barely slept.

Episode 15: "Rabbit or Duck"

Barney: This phone is cursed - cursed I tell you.

Barney: Magic phone guys - magic phone.

Barney: I've enlisted Ranjit's services as my personal driver because for the next week I'll be sleeping with hundreds of women and I don't want to take the subway because, you know - germs.

Barney: Keep your eyes peeled for a red sweater. Based on her texts, she's dirty, dyslexic, and wants to 96 me.

Episode 16: "Hooked"

Barney: So now, phrama girls are the hottest profession.

Barney: I'm in the upright and locked position.

Barney: Hang on to this girl Ted - hang on and never let go.

Barney: Yes you can borrow my tea cup pig.

Episode 17: "Of Course"

Barney: Well, you're in luck because mine's the tiniest, and the more you touch it, the softer it gets.

Barney: At least when I run out on a girl, I have the decency to sleep with her first. It's called manners.

Barney: Wow! I knew I would be bad at being a boyfriend, but I didn't know I'd be such a bad ex-boyfriend.

Ted: I'm talking about a super date.
Barney: That sounds gooey and romantic -
Ted: Yeah -
Barney: Strip Club?
Ted: Strip Club!

Barney: Oh no, I am not going to give it up, she is. Thanks to Ted's book -
Ted: It's Robins, it's Robins.
Barney: I'm going to stay two steps ahead of her - there's a loop hole in here and I'm going to find it.

Episode 18: "Say Cheese"

Barney: Do I get a vote? Skank lane! Skank lane!

Barney: The camera loves me Robin - more than loves me the camera lusts me. The camera wants to put on some nice lingerie, pop in an Al Green CD, dim the lights, and do me as I lie there with my eyes closed.

Barney: It is physically impossible for me to take a bad picture - I don't know why, just ask God.

Barney: I've always looked drop dead stone cold amazing - unlike Marshall who always looked dead, stoned, and cold.

Episode 19: "Zoo or False"

Barney: People want the lie. They need the lie!

Barney: I love to travel myself.
Random Girl: Where's the best place you visited?
Barney: Hawaii's nice. A buddy of mine lives in Seattle, that's a good spot. But the best place I have to say, the moon. Hi, Neil Armstrong.

Random Girl #1: Why you calling him Neil?
Random Girl #2: That's his name. He's Neil Armstrong.
Random Girl #1: The cyclist?
Random Girl #2: I thought you were supposed to be on a shuttle mission.
Random Girl #1: I thought you just got mugged.
Barney: Okay, I can do this ... I was on my way to the launch pad, when I was mugged... and the mugger took my space shuttle keys! Nailed it, who's up for a threeway?

Ted: You did not convince her you were Neil Armstrong. The moon landing took place seven years before you were born.
Barney: Ted, baby doll. Minor hurdle.

Marshall: It was completely terrifying.
Barney: It was completely terrifying.
Marshall: What are you doing?
Barney: Rehearsing. I'm totally going to pretend it happened to me later.

Lily: He naked-muggered you?
Barney: I'm not even going to ask where he was keeping the gun.
Ted: You sure it was a gun?

Barney: We knocked space boots. Houston, we have a moaner! Other space-related double entendres!

Barney: People like being lied to. They just don't like finding out they've been lied to.

Barney: Did the robber have five o'clock shadow and a ski cap?
Marshall: Yes, because I was robbed in 1947 at the corner of Abbott and Costello.

Barney: I'll believe Jack Palance is dead when I see the body.

Episode 20: "Home Wreckers"

Barney: She's a cougar, Ted!
Robin: I thought you said you can't be a cougar if you're over 50.
Barney: She's a Mellencamp.

Barney: [repeated line] Robin cried at Clint's song!

Barney: [to Robin] I'm sorry, they're all out of pretzels. I know how emotional they make you. It's okay. Let it go.

Ted: The auction was yesterday, my bid was accepted and I signed the papers this morning!

Barney: Was the Blair Witch easy to deal with or did she haggle over closing costs?

Ted: This is going to be the home I share with my future wife.
Barney: Is she in the room with us now, Ted?

Barney: [to Ted] Your mom and I got to second base.

Episode 21: "Twin Beds"

Barney: [after reading his letter] There's just a bunch of drawings of boobs.

Don: Guys, I came to apologize. I overreacted.
Barney: It's okay. We said some very hurtful things.
Don: No you didn't.
Barney: Right, that was after you left.

Barney: I must have Robin back.

Ted: You're moving in with him?
Robin: I'm considering it.
Barney: You're considering it? You barely know him! Plus, he's a loser with a dead end job!
Robin: We have the same job.

Barney: So I'm banging this Portuguese contortionist, right, and she's so flexible that at one point she was both on top of me AND underneath me. Up top AND down low! Who needs drinks?
Ted: [to Don] He means well ... actually I'm not sure if that's true.

Barney: [drunk, on phone] Hey Robin, it's Barn Door. Guess what, I'm open!

Barney: I stand by what I did. It was bold and romantic.
Ted: You soiled yourself from both ends of your body.

Episode 22: "Robots vs. Wrestlers"

Barney: One word. Made up. Douchepocalypse!

Barney: Ted, you are out of the gang FOREVER!
Ted: I'll see you guys tomorrow?

Marshall: Aww ... Lilllly ... babieeeeees!
Barney: I hope Ted is miserable right now.

Barney: You leave me no choice. If you have a daughter, the MINUTE she turns 18 ... GONNNNNNNNNG!

Barney: Rule #83. If anything coming out of that child's mouth lands on me, I get to touch Lily's boobs.
Marshall: Dude, what is it with you and my wife's boobs tonight?

Barney: [to Ted] Marisa Heller ... she sounds hot. Describe. Face, hair, boobs? Start with boobs.

Barney: Hey, Marisa Heller! Barney Stinson. Do you remember me? We met at a convention for bird owners.
Marisa: That's not possible.
Barney: Wicker lovers.
Marisa: No.
Barney: Stinson out!

Barney: I've got five tickets to Robots vs. Wrestlers!
Ted: That is awesome!
Barney: You've heard of Robots vs. Wrestlers?
Marshall: Not at all!
Ted: But we're assuming it's some sort of sporting event putting robots ... against wrestlers!
Barney: That's exactly what it is!

Barney: Zha Zha Gabor still looks good.

Barney: I'm gonna die alone. Ted's gonna be eaten by cats!

Episode 23: "The Wedding Bride"

Barney: The best baggage is "hates her dad, thinks she's fat when she isn't." Angry sexy on the first date, and by the time you mention breakfast, she's gone! Why do you guys even hang out with me?

Barney: Ted, please tell me you're not impugning emotional baggage.
Ted: Baggage is good?
Barney: Emotional baggage is the bedrock of America's most important cultural export.
Robin: Porn?
Barney: Actually, it's porn.

Barney: Kiss him! Kiss him!
Older Ted: Uncle Barney didn't say "kiss."
Theater employee: Sir, you need to leave. Now.
Barney: This is outrageous. Who the kiss are you?!

Episode 24: "Doppelgangers"

Barney: Estonia would close out the Baltics!

Barney: Kids!? No! Don't have kids! The rule is no kids until you're at least 45. Don't you EVER read my blog? It's gotten a lot better.

Barney: No! Time out! This is a group decision! You can't just move to Chicago unless we all say it's okay!
Ted: Barney, I think this has to be Robin's-
Barney: Stay out of this Brigitte Nielsen or Dolph Lundgren from Rocky IV!

Marshall: But you were the fifth doppelganger! How can you be ... you? I called you, we had a whole conversation, Barney, what happened?
Barney: Ah, yes. I know what happened. People at work have this very strange expectation that I, well, work. I know, I know. So to make my colleagues think I'm busting my hump while I'm really out humping busty chicks, I decided to record a special recording.
Marshall: How can it be a recording, you called me Big Chief, my special workplace nickname?
Barney: Oh, buddy.

Barney: You guys bangin'? Keep goin', I'm not even here. But just for the record? Having a baby? Big mistake.

Ted: We've all been searching for the five doppelgangers, right? Well eventually, over time, we all become our own doppelgangers. These completely different people who just happen to look like us. Five years ago? That girl was pretty great. But doppelganger Robin? She's amazing.

Season 4 Quotes

Season 4, Episode 1: "Do I Know You?"

Barney [after leaving Robin a weird sound on her voicemail]: She wasn't there. I left a voicemail.
Lily: You left a voice, but it wasn't male

Barney: It's like a disease. I slept with Robin one time and I caught feelings, I caught feelings bad. I used protection and everything

Barney: Bimbos make me happy. Bimbos make me feel alive. Bimbos make me want to pretend to be a better man. This whole thing with Robin was just a fling, but at the end of the day, my heart belongs to bimbos

Episode 2: "The Best Burger in New York"

Ted: Chinese [food]?
Barney: I don't like Chinese.
Ted: Indian?
Barney: I just said, I don't like Chinese.
Ted: Indian isn't Chinese.
Barney: Weird meats, funny music, side of rice. Why are we splitting hairs?
Ted: Mexican?
Barney: I just said, I don't like Chinese!

Lily: This burger is so good, its like Christmas in my mouth. Meat Christmas.
Ted: Its like an angel from heaven landed in the kitchen of McClaren's... where the chef killed it and ran it through the meat grinder.
Barney: I love this burger so much I want to sew my ass shut

Episode 4: "Intervention"

Barney: Marriage is stupid! Every year there are a million new, hot, 22-year-olds walking into bars, and call me "glass-half-full," but I think they're getting dumber

Barney [dressed in old man costume]: In a few minutes, the young me from your time is going to come through that door. Now, Cindy, I know this sounds insane, but in order to save the planet, you need to sleep with him tonight.
Cindy: What? I...
Barney: Sleep with Barney Stinson tonight, in whatever way he wants it, or he won't be able to find the solution to global warming that saves the human race

Episode 5: "Shelter Island"

Barney [at the wedding bar]: Berry Blaster Brain revitalizer—My God, some of these drinks can actually make a girl smarter. What sort of hell has Ted brought us to?

Episode 7: "Not a Father's Day"

Barney: God, it's me, Barney. What up? I know we don't talk much, but I know a lot of girls call out your name because of me. Awesome

Marshall [looking inside Barney's "Not a Fathers Day" card]: It appears to be some sort of Asian hooker.
Barney: Yes, because on Not a Fathers Day, you get a Thai you'd actually wear! Wordplay five!

Barney [referring to possibly impregnating a woman]: Lily, no part of Barney Stinson does less than 110%. If one of my Michael Phelps' got loose, he's goin' for the gold!

Episode 8: "Woooo!"

Barney: I know. We are Swedish. We are so cool with our baguettes and our Eiffel Tower.
Marshall: Dude, Sweden is not France, you know that, right?
Barney: Oh, it's France!

Episode 9: "The Naked Man"

Barney [referring to the naked man's success]: All these years I've been suiting-up when I should've been suiting-down

Episode 10: "The Fight"

Marshall: You know what, Doug, I will gladly pay. And you know why? Cause that's what grown-ups do! They pay for their drinks and they don't get into fights. You know what I was doing while you guys were out there being immature? I tell you what I was doing...
Barney: ...your nails?!
Marshall: Haha, No, I was doing...
Ted: ...a relationship-quiz in this month's Cosmo?!
Marshall: No, I was doing...
Barney: Your best not to cry when Big came back for Carrie at the end of the Sex and the City movie?!

Episode 11: "Little Minnesota"

Barney [spins around on chair]: Why, hello, I've been waiting for you.
Ted: Wait a second, that's not our chair. Did you bring that chair yourself?
Barney: I needed one that swivels

Episode 12: "Benefits"

Barney: So I explained to her, I said Madelin, every single international conflict essentially boils down to sexual tension
Ted: Every international conflict?
Barney: Every single one, dude
Ted: So the crisis in the middle east could be solved by?
Barney: Gaza Strippers. Next.
Ted: Apartheid?
Barney: Apart Thighs? What else you got?
Ted: Cold war.
Barney: Ms. Gorbachev, Take Down Those Pants

Episode 13: "Three Days of Snow"

Ted: Can't you just leave the place open a little while longer? We'll keep an eye on things.
Carl: You two? No way, you wouldn't know the first thing about running a bar.
Barney: Serve the hotties first?
Carl: Here's the keys

Ted: We should buy a bar.
Barney: Of course, we should buy a bar!
Ted: We should totally buy a bar.
Barney: We should totally buy a bar. Our bar would be awesome. And dude, dude, dude, dude... the name of our bar... Puzzles. People will be, like, "Why is it called Puzzles?". That's the puzzle

Ted: So, how many people are in on this Party School Bingo thing?
Barney: Oh, it's just me.
Ted: So what's the point, then?
Barney: The point is to get five in a row.
Ted: And what do you get when you get five in a row?
Barney: I get Bingo

Brunette: I don't know if you guys have ever seen Star Wars, but it's like Hoth out there.
Ted: Dibs.
Blonde: It reminds me of when I used to go sledding with my dad—before he left.
Barney: And dibs

Episode 14: "The Possimpible"

Barney: That's what corporate America wants: people who seem like bold risk takers, but never actually do anything

Barney: All my life I have dared to go past what is possible.
Interviewer: To the impossible?
Barney: Actually, past that. To the place where the possible and the impossible meet, to become... the possimpible.
Lily: The possimpible? Really?
Barney: Inventing your own word shows creativity and vision—Visitivity

Barney: Lottery girl's on.
Robin: I just feel sorry for these women. This is where broadcast careers go to die.
Barney: Check it out, I made a little game.
Lottery Girl: And tonight's lotto numbers are: 19,
Barney: Age you moved to New York after a photographer "discovered" you at a food court and said he would get you into Vogue Magazine.
Lotto Girl: 53,
Barney: Number of semi-nude pictures he took of you before you realized he had no connection to Vogue Magazine.
Lotto Girl: 22,
Barney: Age you claim you are.
Lotto Girl: 31,
Barney: Age you actually are.
Lotto Girl: 45,
Barney: Number of minutes it would take me to get you into a cab, out of your dress and into my Jacuzzi.
Lotto Girl: And tonight's Super Big Ball is...
Barney: What happens after we get out of the Jacuzzi. What Up!

Robin: I can't break 15 bricks with my forehead.
Barney: Robin, it's not 1950 anymore. Yes, you can

Episode 15: "The Stinsons"

Lily [to Marshall]: Hey you want to go do it in Barney's childhood bed again?
Barney: My race car bed?
Marshall: It handles great buddy

Woman: You said that if I slept with you my son would get the part
Barney: Well apparently I'm a better actor than your kid

Episode 16: "Sorry, Bro"

Barney: ...a hug is just like a public dry hump
Marshall: I think you're hugging wrong

Episode 17: "The Front Porch"

Barney: So you're this comfy every night and Lily still has sex with you?
Marshall: Yeah, that's what marriage is all about, man. Unconditional love. You can wear whatever you want and still get laid

Episode 18: "Old King Clancy"

Ted: What is an ETR?
Barney: It's an Employee Transition Room.
Ted: What does that mean?
Barney: Well, it's a space where a supervisor and an employee engage in a knowledge transfer about an impending vocational paradigm shift.
Marshal: People get fired here

Lily [about Canadian sex acts]: How do you know all these?
Barney: Canadiansexacts.org. It's bookmarked on the top right.
Marshal: Dot org?
Barney: Yeah, it's not for profit. They really just want to get the information out there

Ted: Well after he proposed a vocational paradigm shift, I made an impromptu presentation using a four pronged approached that really brought him to his knees
Barney: Hit him with a chair?
Ted: Yep

Barney: If I could nail any celebrity it would definitely be Scarlett Johansson. Hot, talented and nobody does that many woodie allen movies without some serious daddy issues

Episode 19: "Murtaugh"

Barney: Laser tag knows no age restrictions, much like stripping in the Midwest

Barney [about his infected piercing]: My ear hurts so bad I can hear it. I can hear my own ear!

Episode 20: "Mosbius Designs"

Barney: Let's be clear: I don't love [Robin], okay? I just... miss her when she's not around, think about her all the time, and I imagine us one day running towards each other in slow motion and I'm wearing a brown suede vest.

Barney: Marshall, you're no Lily. Lily is a diabolical puppet-master, surreptitiously manipulating every situation to get exactly what she wants. She is pure evil, Marshall. You've got a good one; hang onto her

Marshall: Hey food guy! Toy guy! [about guy dressed as ninja]: who's that guy?
Barney: He doesn't work here... I think we should leave the building
Marshall: Really?
Barney: This has happened before

Barney: The things I know about this company, I'll never be fired. There's a chance I'll wash up on shore with no identifiable finger prints or teeth

Episode 21: "The Three Days Rule"

Barney: Jesus waited THREE days to come back to life. It was perfect! If he had only waited ONE day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard he died. They'd be all, "Hey Jesus, what up?" and Jesus would probably be like, "What up? I DIED yesterday!" and they'd be all, "Uhh, you look pretty alive to me, dude..." and then Jesus would have to explain how he was resurrected, and how it was a miracle, and the dude'd be like "Uhh okay, whatever you say, bro..." And he's not gonna come back on a SATURDAY. Everybody's busy, doing chores, workin' the loom, trimmin' the beard, NO. He waited the perfect number of days, THREE. Plus it's SUNDAY, so everyone's in church already, and they're all in there like "Oh no, Jesus is DEAD", and then BAM! He bursts in the back door, runnin' up the aisle, everyone's totally psyched, and FYI, that's when he invented the high five. That's why we wait three days to call a woman, because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait.... True story

Barney: Nice! Girls whose names end in LY are always dirty: Holly, Kelly, Karly... Lily.
Marshall: Hey! Oh, yeah, I know it's true

Barney: You can't call her, you have to wait three days to call a woman. That's the rule!
Ted: Barney, that rule is completely played out. Girls know exactly what you're doing. Hey I got a new rule, it's kind of crazy, it's called you like her, you call her
Barney: I'm sorry, can you repeat that? I don't speak "I never get laid"

Episode 22: "Right Place Right Time"

Ted: 200 is too many
Barney: Oh right, because there can be too many of something wonderful. Hey Babe Ruth, easy big fellah, let's not hit too many homers. Hey Steve Gutenberg, maybe just make three Police Academy movies. America's laughed enough.

Barney: Petra here, if all goes well, will be my...wait for it 200th! Sorry, I couldn't wait it's all too exciting!
Ted: Your 200th as in...sex with?
Barney: As in sex with. I request the highest of fives.
Ted: Not if I was wearing a hazmat suit.

Episode 23: "As Fast As She Can"

Barney: License and registration?
Lady Cop: Excuse me
Barney: I can only assume you need a license to have a face that beautiful. And that body? I'm guessing something that explosive has to be registered with the proper authorities

Barney: You, sir, got Stella thinking: "Gosh, Ted seemed so cool today. Did I choose the wrong guy?" Give it a week, you'll get her back. And her front, oh! Did you feel that? I think we just had a "what up?" quake

Marshall: That's a line from a porno. I've seen that porno. Hell, I've made that porno.
Barney: When will you guys realize that the only difference between my real life and a porno is my life has better lighting?

Episode 24: "The Leap"

Barney: Say you and I went suit shopping and you happened upon a beautiful suit, a beautiful Canadian suit, double breasted.. mmm... You try it on, but it's not exactly the right fit for you so you put it back. Then I try it on. I don't really want to take the same suit you had your eye on, but at the same time I really like that suit
Ted: Buy that suit Barney. You clearly care about it. Tell the suit how I feel
Barney: Okay. But Ted, remember that was your answer because the suit was Robin...