Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Season 6 Quotes

Season 6, Episode 1: "Big Days"

Barney: If I had my dad's number, I'd never not be on the phone with him.
Lily: Wow, that was really...
Barney: Whoa a hottie with a body! Boing!
Lily: Brief.

Barney: Robin, girls are like cartons of milk. Each one has a hotness expiration date and you've hit yours. I'm not saying the occasional guy won't still open the fridge open you up, take a sniff, shrug and take a sip anyway, but it's all down hill from here.

Barney [to Robin]: Ah you're exquisite; you must let me paint you.

Barney [to Robin]: This, what you're doing right now? I'm getting a De-rection.

Barney: Robin, seriously, I love you, but it's like you have squiggly carton odor lines coming off you right now.

Ted: She's got her shields up anyway; she's reading a book.
Barney: Yeah! At a bar! The book might as well be called Are Ya There Barney? It's Me Horny. That is not what "shields up" looks like. (Enter Robin disheveled) THAT is what "shields up" looks like.

Barney: Oh yeah? Be my guest. Fall in love with her, get married. Just know this, when I step up to make my toast as your best man?
Ted: Actually Marshall will probably be my-

Barney: Oh Ted you got your beer label in a bunch over nothing. Listen to your Uncle Barney. You have no reason to be nervous, none whatsoever. And I'm going to tell you why in one word.
Ted: And what's that word?
Barney: DIBS!

Ted: Barney I really have to grade these papers.
Barney: I'm sorry. I'll let you work...But first a riddle! What piece of women's attire stokes a man's desire?
Ted: A sundress.
Barney: Correct. What lightweight outfit pink or white makes the front of my slacks abnormally tight?
Ted: I really have to get this done.
Barney: Of course of course. Sundress by the way.

Barney: Dude you are so in, a high five doesn't cut it. High Six!
Ted: She didn't see us High Six did she?
Robin: No.
Barney: Good. That was pretty lame.
Ted: Yeah, let's never do that again.

Barney: You saucy little minx, you sun dressed up.

Episode 2: "Cleaning House"

Barney: Why do white people like Carrot Top?

Barney: Man, try to hail a cab in Manhattan, am I right? Nope, no one's stopping for this.

Barney: Look at us... it's like three of the same guy. Oh my god, this explains why I was always so good at basketball. Guys, I'm black, sorry African American, no I'm allowed to say both.

Barney: Ah, Valentines, the second base of third grade.

Barney: You guys are adorable. You honestly believe that I, Barney Stinson, can't talk you into this? I got the queen to give me a fist bump.

Barney: Guys, I know you count the minutes until you can escape from your hum drum lives by hearing how awesome mine is.

Barney: So this chick and I are going at it behind the Central Park Zoo, the bonobo chimps are giving us a standing O and just when I'm about to give her the same thing - what up?

Episode 3: "Unfinished"

Barney: Barney Stinson allllllllllllllways gets the yes.

Barney: Fine I'll have a three way with Hot and Kinda Hot while Giggles works the camera. I ride!

Barney: Ted I admire your loyalty. You've had that hairstyle forever. You don't care that it's out of style or that it's been co-opted by the lesbian community. You stick with it. To Ted!

Barney: Chrissie I love your glasses. They totally pull focus up from that whole chin situation you got going on. To Chrissie!

Barney: Do you remember how awesome it was to be coworkers, nay ... Bro-workers?

Barney: Call me old fashioned but I need to have sex with a girl at least three times before I'll even consider having dinner with her.

Barney: Golden Rule. I do not buy dinner to get the Yes. Dinner is a very intimate activity. It requires a level of connection and eye contact that sex just doesn't.

Episode 4: "Subway Wars"

Barney: Check it, I just drove a Pedi cab 26 blocks and I still smell incredible.

Barney: And firing half my department freed up the money to double my own salary, and this chick from Boston was wicked hot in bed last night, and I'm getting more muscular even though I've stopped working out, and I have this amazing poker group, and I smell incredible, just, here, seriously smell me.

Barney: The bus? Every time I take the bus there is always that one crazy person that no one wants to sit near and that is why I have never taken the bus.

Barney: Puffy cheeks, smudged mascara, slightly red nose, that girl was just crying. She's so sad and defenseless. Anyone have a condom?

Episode 5: "Architect of Destruction"

Barney: And stop shouting, you're scaring Cottontail.
Ted: You named the rabbit?
Barney: You took longer to get here than I thought, we bonded and I'm keeping her.

Barney: And for the love of god, boobs?
Ted: Solid C Cup perky bounce
Barney: Momentary grudging respect.

Barney: Asian girls love them some Jews.

Barney: Ted that is so romantic, I want to fill a pillow case with dead batteries and beat you with it.

Trish the secretary: Excuse me Mr. Stinson?

Barney: Dude working together is going to be legen- wait for it ...I'll send you an inter office memo with the rest because we friggin' work together!

Episode 6: "Baby Talk"

Barney: Want to come to my house and play telephone? I've got the string you've got the cans.

Barney: That is what makes you the most amazing, strong, independent woman I have ever banged.

Marshall: Hey, Barney, that prime rib was surprisingly good, but it's ten thirty in the morning I don't really need to see a lady get naked and dance.
Barney: Oh Esther gets naked, but she doesn't dance... That WAS my card!

Episode 7: "Canning Randy"

Barney: I love the office Halloween party, it is so much sluttier than the office Christmas Party though not as freaky as the office Presidents Day rave.

Barney: I'll say this, there is no quit in that guy. You should fire him.

Episode 8: "Natural History"

Robin: You wanna dance? Let's dance.
Barney: I live for the dance
Robin: Get your other hand, off my ass.
Barney: Sorry, sorry.

Episode 9: "Glitter"

Barney: He has got to go, you need to be like you are the weakest link goodbye! Punchy, the tribe has spoken. Please pack up your knives and go. Your work of art, didn't work for me. You're times up. I have to ask you to leave the mansion. You must leave the chateau. Your tour ends here. You've been chopped! You've been evicted from the Big Brother house. Your desert just didn't measure up. Sashay away! Give me your jacket and leave Hell's kitchen! You did not get a rose. You have been eliminated from the race. You are no longer in the running to be America's Next Top Model. You're fired. Auf Wiedersehen.

Barney: Space? Teens? Is this a porno?!?!

Barney: It's Robin Sparkles 3 ya'll!

Barney: SCIENCE! There is an 83% correlation between the times men wear boutonnieres and the times they get laid. Think about it, proms, weddings, grandmas funerals...Thanks for the redhead Nana. The everyday boutonniere, by Stinson.
Robin: Aaaand nope!

Marshall: Oh you're wearing a flower.
Barney: Thank You!
Marshall: I didn't compliment, just observed.

Episode 10: "Blitzgiving"

Barney: You're all the Blitz! I slept with that cute Indian girl that cuts my hair.
Robin: What does that have to do with anything?
Barney: Nothing I just forgot to brag about it before!

Barney: Robin! Robin! I will pay you to be the Blitz. A hundred dollars, no! Ten thousand dollars, no! Sixty bucks. What's a lot of money to someone like you?

Zoey: Barney was here? I was walking around half naked.
Barney: Aw Man! Wait which half?

Episode 11: "The Mermaid Theory"

Lily: Whenever we're alone you spend the entire time undressing me with your eyes, you even take off my shoes.
Barney: High heels chafe my shoulders.

Barney: Told yah, The Mermaid Theory, it's a thing. You owe me five hundred bucks.
Marshall: Did we bet on this?
Barney: Let's say yes.

Barney: Mark my words, Marshall, someday you will find Iris so excruciatingly attractive you won't be able to look her directly in the boobs.

Lily: And the most important rule of all...
Barney: Lubricant is public property.

Lily: Anytime a single guy hangs out with a married woman there are rules that must be followed. Rule number one...
Barney: Don't use the husband's condoms, that's just rude.

Episode 12: "False Positive"

Lily: I'm pregnant.
Barney: I've never seen that woman before in my life! Sorry force of habit, congratulations!

Barney: I am Mr. Charity. I frequently sleep with sixes, chubsters, over thirty's. I am the Bill and Melinda Gates of the sympathy bang.

Barney: A Yuletide riddle. What is my second favorite word that begins with B-O-N?
Ted: Bon Jovi?
Barney: What is my third favorite that begins with B-O-N? Buzzer... BONUS!

Barney: Who's the eye broccoli?

Barney: I can't give this suit back, I glow in the dark. Ted, I finally glow in the dark!

Barney: I'm taking the rest of my bonus to God's strip club.
Barney: Velour tracksuits! Remote control helicopters! Condoms! And last but not least there is a fleet of limos outside waiting to take us to...A STRIP CLUB! You get a lap dance! You get a lap dance! You're going to give me a lap dance! Everyone gets a lap dance!

Episode 13: "Bad News"

Marshall: Tell him that I might not be able to give him a grandchild? I don't even know how to have that conversation.
Barney: I'll show you. Dad, uh there's something I need to tell you. It's going to come as a bit of a shock. You are speaking to the 2011 Tri County Laser Tag Co Champion.

Barney: How you doing Lily? Should I have a boner?

Lily: How did you do it?
Barney: Oh god you found one of the cameras.

Episode 14: "Last Words"

Judy: Who got cousin Daphne drunk? She is fifteen.
Robin: They grow them big out here.
Barney: And here's your number back.

Barney: We're gonna get out bro a four star nad rattler. You search knees, feet, banisters, fire hydrants and diving boards. And I'll cover bats, rackets, hockey sticks, golf clubs and riding props.
Ted: What about animals?
Barney: Uh claws, paws, talons, hooves, beaks and clenched monkey's fists, we can do this!

Episode 15: "Oh Honey"

Barney: It was actually pretty noble of him. He fell on his sword, so that she could fall on mine.

Barney: That family tree of yours has a couple of pretty big coconuts. We had a pretty good time last night and then just hand stuff in the morning so.

Episode 16: "Desperation Day"

Barney: And I thought Pompeii was smoking.

Barney: Umm, is it getting crowded in here, because I think there are two peas in this pod?

Barney: And she sticks the landing, why don't you start stretching and I'll be right back.

Barney: Please, you might as well be dog-earing a tear stained bridal magazine while wolfing down the box of chocolates you had delivered to yourself at work from your fiancé that no one has ever met.
Bev: Gerard is real!

Barney: February 13th, a magical night, where a Ten has the self esteem of a four and the depraved enthusiasm of a Two.

Barney: Whoa check out that one! Her body is a perfect X.

Episode 17: "Garbage Island"

Lily: You should work at a carnival.
Barney: I tried; they're pretty strict with backgrounds.

Barney: You've been pork free so long you're practically kosher.

Barney: She had a nice face, her booty was in place, but Barney don't chase.

Barney: She was a really great Lazer Tag partner. She's tiny so she's allowed to push kids.

Episode 18: "A Change Of Heart"

Barney: I want to be confused with you.

Barney: Never ever meet a girl's parents.
Ted: Not even if she is hot?
Barney: Not even if her mom's hot?

Barney: The N'Sync concert?
Ted: 1998 Cleveland's Agora Theater, front row, caught JC's shirt, what else you got

Nora: I'm sorry I've been trying not to stare at your chest all night.
Barney: Hahaha, what's that like?

Cardiologist: What happened at 8:46 PM last night.?
Barney: Well let's see, Wheel of Fortune, naked push ups, naked chin ups... oh I was at dinner.

Barney: Never screw over a girl whose last name ends in a vowel, because she's got brothers.

Lily: Ooo Barney's got feelings for a girl.
Barney: Yeah, penis feelings!

Episode 19: "Legendaddy"

Barney: No you were right. A kid needs a hoop.

J.J.: I got a paper route.
Barney: Bah! Good time to get into print media right Dad?

Barney: Ted this is your seduction lounge. Sex swing here, vibrating jello pit right there, rotating Vietnamese shame wheel right here...don't ask you're not ready.

Episode 20: "The Exploding Meatball Sub"

Barney: You want to make God laugh, tell him your plans right?
Robin: What is wrong with you?

Random Girl: How can you not remember my name...it rhymes with your name?
Barney: And I said my name was?

Barney: Marshall you can't pay your mortgage with hacky sacks and good vibes.

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