Season 2, Episode 1: "Where Were We?"
Robin [about Marshall]: This has to stop! Ted, we just started dating, we agreed we don't want to move too fast, and somehow, we have a baby. He can't feed himself, he cries a lot, he keeps us up all night.Barney: Have you tried breast feeding? Nailed it!
Ted [on the phone]: Oh hey, where are you guys?Barney: We're in a fundraiser, helping young women raise money for community college.Ted: Stripclub...nice
Barney: You know what Marshall needs to do. He needs to stop being sad. When I get sad, I stop being sad, and be awesome instead. True story.
Barney: So he stays home all the time not getting laid? No, see, that's what you do when you have a fiancée. He should be out here celebrating! He's free! He got that red-headed tumor removed.Ted: You should write and illustrate children's books
Barney: For the first time...ever...the three of us are single at the same time. I've dreamed about this day, boys, and it is going to be le...gen...dary! Together we will own this city. Any time a girl wants to get back at her ex-boyfriend, we'll be there. Any time a girl wants to...solve her father issues through promiscuity and binge drinking WE WILL BE there. Any time a bachelorette party drives through the city in a limo, sticking their heads out the sunroof, shouting "WHAT'S UP NEW YORK!!", we will be what is "up" New York! Gentlemen, we are about to embark on...[Barney looks at Robin and Ted...]Barney: Oh man, you guys did it, didn't you?!
Episode 2: "The Scorpion and the Toad"
Barney: Dude! You were awesome last night! You were charming, you were funny, you were totally working that girl!Marshall: You went home with her!Barney: Yes I did...
Episode 4: "Ted Mosby: Architect"
Barney: Dude, lots of chicks think that architects are hot. Think about that, you create something out of nothing. You're like God. There is no one hotter than God.Ted: I love it when you quote scripture
Ted: This project is getting harder and harder!Barney: Yeah you did!Ted: Had to!
Marshall: Well, all skyscrapers kinda look...like a...Ted: Marshall, it's a 78 story pink marble tower with a rounded top and two spherical entryways at the front.Marshall: Wow, so it's the whole package.Barney: Ha ha ha! Yeah you did!Marshall: Had to!Barney: Oh, dude, if they're selling condos you gotta get me in. And don't give me the shaft.Marshall: Yeah you did!Barney: Had to!
Barney [on a note left to girl]: Dear Resident, The time we spent together, however long it was, meant the world to me. I would love to see you again but unfortunately I cannot. You see, I am a ghost. I can only materialize once every decade, on the anniversary of my death. I chose to spend my one day among the living with you, sweet resident. Perhaps we will meet again, in another decade--provided you keep your figure. Until then, all my love from the beyond, Barney.Resident: Barney... Who the hell is Barney?
Marshall: You know what dude, forget about Robin, okay? You're hanging with us tonight. I've got an awesome party lined up.Barney: Oh, God. This gonna be another one of your weird all guy parties?Marshall: That was a poker game, what is wrong with you? No, it's the first law school party of the year and it's gonna be awesome! I haven't seen these guys since like last year before Lily and I broke-up. Something I have to break to everybody. This party is gonna suck
Episode 5: "World's Greatest Couple"
Lily: Why would I want to change anything? This place is great, except you don't have a TV.Barney: [Points to wall] See that wall? [Turns on TV] 300 inch flatscreen! They only sell them in Japan but I know a guy. They ship it over in a tugboat like freakin' King Kong!Lily: It hurts my eyes...Barney: Yeah, that doesn't go away
Barney: Look around you, Lily! You are in the heart of Bachelor Country. And as a woman, you are an illegal immigrant here. Now, you could try to apply for a sex visa, but that only lasts twelve hours...fourteen if you qualify for multiple entry, heh!Lily: Ewwww....is something some lame, judgemental chick would say, but I say 'gimme multiple high-fives'!Barney: Wow, you really are desperate.Lily: I really am.
Ted: Okay, we have to get Lily out of that apartment. Her roommate is a raccoon.Robin: I'd offer her my place, but I have dogs and she's allergic.Ted: Dogs? I live with her ex-boyfriend. I think she's more allergic to that.Robin: What about your place, Barney? I know it's surrounded in mystery, but it's gotta have a couch.Barney: The Fortress of Barnitude?? No way.Robin: Oh come on. She's desperate.Barney: Mmm, normally a prerequisite for the women I bring home, but pass
Episode 7: "Swarley"
Ted: Hey dude, by the way, I really like that suit. Tell me about the fabric; is it foreign or something?Barney: Wow...it is foreign. I'm impressed, Ted! It's Moroccan, actually.Ted: Whoa...[Carl interrupts from the bar]Carl: I've got a phone call for Swarley. Is there a Swarley here?Barney: You weren't interested in my suit at all, were you?
Ted [commenting on Marshall's Pumpkin Latte joke]: Alright, there's only two reasons she'd laugh at that: one, it's the first joke she's ever heard, or two, she likes you! You should totally ask her out.Marshall: You think?Ted: Yea! That's why you're not back with Lily, right? So you can experience what it's like to be single.Ted: Mine says Ted. No heart.Barney: Mine says S..Sw...Swarley. How'd they get "Swarley" from 'Barney'? Who would ever be called Swarley?
Ted: So I guess that decides it.Marshall: Yep.Barney: Hanging out at a coffee place: not nearly as much fun as hanging out at a bar.Ted: ...Hey, what's that?Marshall: What?Ted: That cute coffee girl wrote a heart by your name! Somebody has a crush on you!Barney: [in a sing-song voice as well] Somebody thinks you're me!
Barney: She's got the..'Crazy Eyes'.Ted: Dude...the eyes...they're CRAZY.Marshall: What are you guys talking about, the 'Crazy Eyes'?Barney: It's a well-documented condition of the pupils, or pupi.Ted: Nope, just pupils.Barney: It's an indicator of future mental instability
Episode 9: "Slap Bet"
Barney: (After being slapped by Marshall) Your hands are monsterous.Marshall: What did you expect? You've seen my penis.
Lily: Like you really need an excuse to watch porn.Barney: Canadian porn. Trust me when I tell you their universal health care plan doesn't cover breast implants. If I have to watch one more flat-chested Nova Scotian riding a Mountie on the back of a Zamboni, I'm going to go "oot" of my mind.
Barney: Fine, if you wanna know what Robin's secret is...Ted: You know??!Barney: Of course I know. She couldn't look at us. Her face got flushed. That's shame, my friend. Our friend Robin used to do porn....wait for it....ography!Ted: Yea, we didn't really need to wait for that. And it's ridiculous!Lily: I don't know. He could be right. She does have the fake orgasm noises down.Ted: Hey!Lily: What? The walls are thin.Ted: That's not what I'm 'hey'-ing you about.
[Barney describing deal breakers in flashbacks...]Girl #1: It's a promise ring. I made a pact with God to stay a virgin till I'm married.Barney: Ohhhh.....Girl #2: I don't have an eating disorder, it's just when I put food in my mouth, I chew it and then I spit it out!Barney: Ohhhh.....Girl #3: I just turned 30.Barney: Ohhhhhh.....
Ted: Wha...I don't get it! Why won't Robin tell me why she hates malls?Barney: Ted, you should be happy Robin has a secret. The more you learn about a person, the better chance you have of hitting the fatal "Ohhh..." moment.Marshall: The "Ohhh..." moment?Barney: Yeah. That moment when you find out that one detail about a person that is going to be a deal-breaker
Episode 10: "Single Stamina"
Barney [to James]: Oh man, I am so excited that you're here! It has been forever since I have been around anyone even remotely fun!Barney [to Ted, Marshall, Lily and Robin]: Huh... yes offense
Barney [about his brother]: He's the awesomest, most best-lookingest, greatest guy ever!Lily: He's exactly like Barney.Barney: That's what I just said.
Barney: Hold on to your bedsores grandparents from Willy Wonka!
Episode 11: "How Lily Stole Christmas"
[after Ted tells Barney what he called Lily]Barney: Ted Vivian Mosby!Ted: That's not my middle name..Barney: You kiss your mother with that mouth?Ted: Like you've never said that word?Barney: I don't kiss your mother with my mouth, yet…
Barney: Christmas is a time when people are lonely and desperate, it's the most wonderful time of the year
Barney: This is a low moment for the Barnacle. I should be off playing laser-tag right now but instead ... don't look at me, I'm hideous.Robin: You just look like a regular guy.Barney: Exactly, I'm a Ted! I'm wearing elastic waist fleece pants
Barney: Oh Robin, my simple friend from the untamed north. Let me tell you about a little thing I like to call 'mind over body' ... You see, whenever I start feeling sick, I just stop being sick and be awesome instead. True story
Robin: Barney! What the hell are you doing? Get in here, it's freezing outside. Are you insane?Barney: Blame Lily and her oppressive no-cigars-in-the-appartment-rule. God, it's like Marshall is marrying the Taliban.[Barney sneezes on his hand]Barney: High-five.Robin: Ewww, no. Look, you have to go home and get to bed
Barney [after blowing his nose]: I'm fine. My nose is just overflowing with awesome and I had to get some of it out
Episode 12: "First Time in New York"
Robin: You know what? You gave it away too early. You're an "I love you" slut.Ted: Yeah, well you're an "I love you" prude. You know what? I'm taking mine back.Robin : You can't do that!Ted : Just did. In fact, I'm giving it away, because I'm a slut.Ted [to a stranger]: Hey, I love you.Stranger : Thanks, man! I came in here to jump. I really needed that.
Robin: I can't believe my baby sister is planning to lose her virginity to a douche with a faux-hawk. This can't happen, you guys have help me talk her out of it.Marshall: A speech to talk a girl out of sex...Ted: ...yeah I don't have any of those.Barney: Discouraging premarital sex is against my religion.Robin: Please I'm her older sister I'm supposed to teach her how to make good and responsible decisionsLily: It's 2 o'clock and you've already had three Scotch and Sodas.Robin: That's why I need your help!
Episode 13: "Columns"
Barney [seeing his nude painting]: You gave me the Ken doll... She left out Little Barney, Barnacle Junior, My Barnana, Barnito Surpreme
Lily [trying to paint Barney with a sword in his hand]: I don't think your sword will fit.Barney: I get that a lot.
Barney: In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland. True story
Barney: You have been blessed with a wonderful gift.Lily: Thank you.Barney: I meant me
Episode 14: "Monday Night Football"
Ted: So let me get this straight. A funeral is the one time you don't suit up?Barney: Have I taught you nothing, Ted?Ted: Virtually.Barney: Suits are full of joy. They're the sartorial equivalent of a baby's smile.Lily: Sartorial?Barney: Of, or pertaining to, tailors or their trade. Suits are for the living. That's why, when it's my time to R.I.P. I'm going out of this world the same way I came into it. BUCK NAKED. Yeah. It's gonna be awesome. Open bar for the guys, open casket for the ladies
Episode 15: "Lucky Penny"
Barney [about waiting in line for a wedding dress sale]: I can't go, I've got this thing....Lily: What thing?Barney: ...a penis
Episode 16: "Stuff"
Robin: Eight Flights of Stairs. Who puts a theater up 8 flights of stairs? What kind of building is this?Barney: Well from the smell of it, a Urine Factory
Episode 18: "Moving Day"
Barney: Ladies and gentlemen, I have in my hand a copy of tonight's Top Ten list. The category: top ten things I would've called my truck...Ted: It was never your truck.Barney: if Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back.Ted: It was a rental.Barney: Number ten, "The Winne-Bango." Number nine, "The Pick-Up Truck." Number eight, "The Ford Explore Her." Number seven, "The You Scream Truck." You Scream. (they all laugh) Number six, "Feels on Wheels!" Hello! Number five, "The Ride Her Truck." Number four, "The 18-Squeeler." Number three, "The Esca-Laid." Number two, "The Slam-Boney." and... the number one thing I would've called my truck if Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back... "The '69 Chevy."
Ted: Barney...Barney: This isn't Barney. ...but I hear that guy's awesome. All right. Listen very carefully. You will get your stuff back if you are able to complete a series of challenges. Number one, put on the suit. Number two, meet me at MacLaren's in an hour.Ted: How will I know who to look for since we've never met?Barney: ...I look like Barney.
Episode 19: "Bachelor Party"
Barney [talking to Lily in San Francisco]: Yeah, yeah, yeah... Barney what are you doing here...I can't believe it's really you...Come in, have a seat...You want some tea...I know the apartment's small but I don't need much space... let me show you some of my paintings...I think it's some of my best work ever. JUST STOP IT! Lily, you have to come home. You and Marshall belong together. The two of you have something most people search their whole lives for and never find. I know you love him and if you knew what he was going through right now you wouldn't be here for one more second. I bought you a ticket home. Marshall is one of the best people I know and it won't be long until someone else realizes that and you will lose him forever. I can't stand the thought of that happening and I cannot keep stealing chicks from him forever. Never ever tell anyone I was here, I will deny it tooth and nail; this trip never happened. (Barney slams the door behind him.)Barney [opens Lily's door again]: Hey, if you had three hours to kill before your flight, what would you do... Alcatraz or Fisherman's Wharf
Barney: Alright, fine, the stripper at Stewart's Bachelor Party was a 15.Ted: She was 15?!?!Barney: A 15...like in blackjack.Ted: As in, not sure whether you'd hit it?Barney: Exactly!Ted: Nice.
Episode 21: "Something Borrowed"
Barney: May I have everybody's attention...[Everyone ignores Barney]Barney: It's for the bride.[Everyone stops talking and turns towards Barney]
Barney: The bride would like the tension out of my shoulders, and she'd like... lets say, you in the inappropriately short dress to rub them
Episode 22: "Something Blue"
Barney: Ted, my boy...It's gonna be legen...wait for it...[credits roll]
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