Season 5 Quotes

Season 5, Episode 1: "Definitions"

Barney: I'm always punching guys, girls, I'll even punch a baby, I don't care

Barney: How do you keep a girl from becoming your girlfriend? Simple, the rules for girls are the same as gremlins. Rule number one: never get them wet. In otherwards, don't let her take a shower in your place. Rule number two: keep them away from sunlight. i.e don't ever see them during the day. And rule number three: never feed them after midnight. Meaning she doesn't sleep over and you don't have breakfast with her, ever

Ted: What about brunch? Is brunch cool?

Barney: No Ted, brunch is not cool

Barney: You still seeing that guy?

Robin: Even better, seeing him naked

Barney: I shoud go see this Chinese girl I met.. I just had her last night and I already feel like seconds

Barney: That, my friends, is the dominator 5000, the best bull whip on the market according to my whip guy. Yeah, I have a whip guy. [makes whip sound]

Episode 2: "Double Date"

Barney: I don't come here that often

Waitress: Hey Barney, here's your usual and I'll send you your other usual when she's done stretching

Barney: Thank you kindly, stranger

Barney: Guess who got four tickets to the the origins of chewbaca exhibit?

Lily: Why?

Barney: No, I said who

Lily: I heard you

Robin: Isn't it a little early in our relationship to be doing things that would end our relationship?

Episode 3: "Robin 101"

Ted: Pop quiz. When robin is PMSing what kind of chocolate should youg et her?

Barney: Trick question. Get her butter scotch.

Ted: Correct. Why?

Barney: Butter scotch is to Canadian women what chocolate is to American women

Barney: I can't believe I'm taking sexual advice from Ted Mosby, that's like taking fashion advice from well... Ted Mosby

Ted: You were like the worst student in the world, weren't you?

Barney: They said I AD...something... can we have class outside?

Barney: Funny thing, and this is just me, I like my balls attached to my body instead of rolling around next to some eyeliner in Robin's purse. Stinson out.

Episode 4: "The Sexless Innkeeper"

Barney: Twas the night before New Years and the weather grew mean. Twas three in the morning and I was stranded in Queens! The tavern grew empty, the gaslights grew dim. The horse-drawn carriages were all but snowed in. Last call was approaching and my fortunes looked bleak, then I turned to my left and stifled a shriek! She had a peach fuzz beard and weighed 16 stone. She gobbled up hot wings..and swallowed the bones. I muffled a scream, and threw up in my mouth. I asked "Where do you live?" and she said "One block south". I swallowed my pride, and six shots of whiskey. And prayed to the Gods that she wasn't too frisky. Back in her cave, she prepared a snack. Beneath her mighty hooves, the floorboards did crack. But when she returned, she found a sound sleeper...and thus she became the Sexless Innkeeper and so are you

Ted: Barney, are you wearing sweat pants?

Barney: Maybe, but they're Armani!

Barney: The US Navy discovered aliens at the bottom of the ocean and for reasons I can't explain, they selected Robin and I to lead the expedition

Lily: That sounds like stuff you say to women when you're trying to get rid of them

Marshall: That's exactly what is sounds like, but if it's true that sounds totally awesome

Barney: Ted, you mentioned that you lived upstairs. She saw that tweed jacket which basically says you're not interested in nor probably even capable of having sex and she thought, hey, free lodging

Barney: Ahh tweed, the official fabric of the eunuch

Episode 5: "Duel Citizenship"

Robin: How do you know the Canadian citizenship test is easy?

Barney: It's Canada. Question one, do you want to be Canadian? Question two, really?

Barney [about Canadian $5 bill]: There's kids playing hockey on the back. It's like you want us to make fun of you!

Barney: Canada's not so bad. If they play their cards right they may even become a state one day

Barney: ...to prove you are as American as apple pie and the childhood obesity it leads to...

Episode 6: "Bagpipes"

Barney: There are so many great things to do with the human mouth, why waste it on talking?

Barney: Robin and I have been keeping track of how many beds we've had sex in. We've had sex in 83 and a half beds

Ted: A half?

Barney: 19th century ottoman in an antique space

Episode 7: "The Rough Patch"

Barney: Open it open it open it open it! It's my porn collection. Wait, no it's not. That would be weird.

Ted: It's your porn collection.

Barney: It's my porn collection!

Robin: We watched a movie last night

Barney: It was legen... wait for it... gends of the fall. Not that good.

Barney: He's not a doll, he's a storm trooper

Robin: Then why's he wearing a diaper?

Barney: That's not a diaper, that's protective armor

Robin: More like storm pooper

Barney [prerecored on porn tape]: Hello, Ted. If you're watching this tape, and I knew you'd pick this one, you're now in posession of my porn. And this can only mean one of two things: either I'm dead or I'm in a committed relationship. If I'm dead I want you to honor my memory by taking my body to the Hamptons and recreate Weekend at Bernies. I want to dance, go fishing, and I want to have sex with a girl. If on the other hand I'm in a committed relationship, as your best friend I have only one request... for the love of god get me out of it

Barney: Your girlfriend? She's your girl.. friend? She's a girl and a friend? Do not humanize the enemy, Ted.

Barney: We both like scotch. We're both awesome.

Robin: Maybe that's the problem. Maybe there's just too much awesome here.

Barney: Yes. Two awesomes cancel each other out. I'm tired of being canceled out.

Robin: Neil Young is a Canadian treasure. DO NOT make fun of Neil Young.

Barney: Robin, I would never make fun of a defenseless old lady with vocal cord paralysis.

Barney: You know what they say about relationships. Every waking moment's a battle.

Barney: Sorry Ted. I'm my own wing man tonight.

Episode 8: "The Playbook"

Barney: I hope you're happy with yourself. You broke that girl's heart!

Lily: Me?!

Barney: You! She'll probably never trust a guy again. You ruined her for Ted! Not to mention Julio van Matterhorn, Lorenzo's twin brother.

Lily: That is awful. You realize you broke her heart, right? She's inconsolable!

Barney: Why would she be inconsolable? Lorenzo's balloon won't disappear over the arctic for another week.

Lily: Don't you think you're rushing back into this?

Barney: Lily, since I stopped dating Robin, there's this thing I haven't used as much as I would like. It's kind of big. Surprisingly heavy. Kind of leathery. And it's black.

Lily: Huh?

Barney: This, my friends, is the playbook!

Barney: An actress? Of course, that explains her impeccable diction and her slutiness

Lily: Barney I've had Shelly set aside for three years

Barney: Dude, Ted was not missing out. She's brainy and annoying. Kind of boring in the sack. Oh I guess she would have been perfect for Ted. Whoops.

Barney: Barney Stinson is back on the market. Mothers, lock up your daughters. Daughters, lock up your MILSWANCA's.

Marshall: MILSWANCA's?

Ted: Oh wait, I can get this. Mothers I'd Like to Sleep With and Never Call Again

Barney: Correct, circle gets a square

Barney: See the blonde over there by the bar? Tizzarget acquizzired!

Robin: Barney, don't do this ...

Barney: Oh, give it a rest, pest.

Girl: Really, a genie comes out of it?

Barney: Only if you rub it hard enough.

Barney: I think we all know who's responsible for this.

Lily: Yes we do.

Barney: Al Qaeda.

Lily: No, you idiot. It was me.

Barney: YOU sonofabitch!!!

Barney: [narrating] All you have to walk up to every single girl and say "He's not coming."

Girl: What are you talking about?

Barney: Never mind.

Barney: The Lorenzo van Matterhorn will be my triumphant return to the stage! Or, you know, the bed. Actually, my bed is kind of a stage. I could put a platform underneath, make it a real production ...

 Barney: Cheap tricks? Not one of these is a cheap trick! [pauses] Well, except for the Cheap Trick.

Episode 10: "The Window"

Barney [to random girl]: Hey.

Robin: Oh, he's not saying hello, he's just telling you what he feeds his horses. Oh man, I could sit here and make "you look like a farmer" jokes all night. Challenge accepted.

Barney [about Marshall's overalls]: No one, I mean no one could get laid wearing these. Challenge accepted. I, Barney Stinson, of sound mind and amazing body will wear these overalls until have sex with a woman.

Ted: I sent a cab with a female driver so she would have no other male interaction until she came to me.

Barney: Where she will still have no interaction with a man. What up? I feel good tonight. Tonight's gonna be good.

Ted: You know how everyone has that guy or girl that no matter what happens, you know will be perfect for you.

Marshall: Lily.

Robin: Mike Shacks.

Barney: That girl over there.

Barney: [on phone] Ten minutes and the window's closed.

Ted: What? Ten minutes?!

Barney: Because we're bros.

Ted: I forgot what it feels like to chase the real thing but I think I'm ready again.

Barney: Yeah...let me tell you were I'm at.. I want to have sex with a girl so I can take off these overalls.

Jim: I've been in love with her for five years.

Ted: I've been in love with her for twelve years.

Barney: I've been in these overalls for an hour and a half.

Episode 11: "Last Cigarette Ever"

Barney: [walks in, sees Robin bent over in yoga pose, smoking] I just left something like this in my apartment.

Lily: Maybe smoking isn't so bad. It gets us out in the fresh air.

Barney: Yeah and all the coughing really works my abs.

Barney: Remember when we used to be able to smoke IN bars?

[flash back to smoke-filled haze]

Ted: Hey dude, I think that hot girl over there is smiling at me.

Barney: Uhh, that's a chair. But yeah, dude, hit that!

Ted: They're dividing our group into smokers and non-smokers. That's not healthy.

Barney: You're right. [pause] Let's go have a smoke!

Barney: What do you think cigarettes are doing right now? Do you think they're thinking of us?

Barney: I am not a smoker. I only smoke in certain situations: post-coital, when I'm with Germans, sometimes those two overlaps, coital, birthdays, to annoy my mom, pre-coital, on a sailboat, the day The Mets are mathematically eliminated every year, and, of course, wait for it, cause lord knows I have, pregnancy scares.

Ted: Why are you smoking right now?

Barney: I'm always pre-coital, Ted.

Episode 12: "Girls Vs. Suits"

Barney: Only two things could cause that commotion - boobs.

Barney: (about picking world peace over his suits) I'm gonna stop you right there. It's the suits. Come on, Lily, get your head out of your ass.

Barney: To score would be just fine, but I would rather be dressed to the nines.

Barney: No! My suit gave its life for this cause and I will not rest till she is mine.

Tim: Your suits death is another suits life.

Barney: Do it.

Tim: You're doing the right thing.

(Barney sobs)

Tim: Please don't cry on this - it's silk.

Barney: Suits and insecure woman. I hate them I really just hate them.

Barney: I'm going to be like, "drop the act baby doll daddy needs another gin and tonic".

Episode 13: "Jenkins"

Barney: And there's about to be one more story - I'm gonna bang Jenkins.

Ted: Wait you want to have sex with Jenkins?

Barney: With Jenkins, on Jenkins, near Jenkins - you name it. I wanna wear Jenkins like a sock.

Episode 14: "The Perfect Week"

Barney: Thanks Jim, I couldn't have done it without my teammates.

Barney: Whatever girl I'm pointing to right now - I am going home with her tonight.

Barney: That woman nursing a Black Russian is about to chase it with a White American!

Barney: Jim, there's nothing routine about the way I get down.

Barney's boss: I know this week has been tough on you.

Barney: I barely slept.

Episode 15: "Rabbit or Duck"

Barney: This phone is cursed - cursed I tell you.

Barney: Magic phone guys - magic phone.

Barney: I've enlisted Ranjit's services as my personal driver because for the next week I'll be sleeping with hundreds of women and I don't want to take the subway because, you know - germs.

Barney: Keep your eyes peeled for a red sweater. Based on her texts, she's dirty, dyslexic, and wants to 96 me.

Episode 16: "Hooked"

Barney: So now, phrama girls are the hottest profession.

Barney: I'm in the upright and locked position.

Barney: Hang on to this girl Ted - hang on and never let go.

Barney: Yes you can borrow my tea cup pig.

Episode 17: "Of Course"

Barney: Well, you're in luck because mine's the tiniest, and the more you touch it, the softer it gets.

Barney: At least when I run out on a girl, I have the decency to sleep with her first. It's called manners.

Barney: Wow! I knew I would be bad at being a boyfriend, but I didn't know I'd be such a bad ex-boyfriend.

Ted: I'm talking about a super date.

Barney: That sounds gooey and romantic -

Ted: Yeah -

Barney: Strip Club?

Ted: Strip Club!

Barney: Oh no, I am not going to give it up, she is. Thanks to Ted's book -

Ted: It's Robins, it's Robins.

Barney: I'm going to stay two steps ahead of her - there's a loop hole in here and I'm going to find it.

Episode 18: "Say Cheese"

Barney: Do I get a vote? Skank lane! Skank lane!

Barney: The camera loves me Robin - more than loves me the camera lusts me. The camera wants to put on some nice lingerie, pop in an Al Green CD, dim the lights, and do me as I lie there with my eyes closed.

Barney: It is physically impossible for me to take a bad picture - I don't know why, just ask God.

Barney: I've always looked drop dead stone cold amazing - unlike Marshall who always looked dead, stoned, and cold.

Episode 19: "Zoo or False"

Barney: People want the lie. They need the lie!

Barney: I love to travel myself.

Random Girl: Where's the best place you visited?

Barney: Hawaii's nice. A buddy of mine lives in Seattle, that's a good spot. But the best place I have to say, the moon. Hi, Neil Armstrong.

Random Girl #1: Why you calling him Neil?

Random Girl #2: That's his name. He's Neil Armstrong.

Random Girl #1: The cyclist?

Random Girl #2: I thought you were supposed to be on a shuttle mission.

Random Girl #1: I thought you just got mugged.

Barney: Okay, I can do this ... I was on my way to the launch pad, when I was mugged... and the mugger took my space shuttle keys! Nailed it, who's up for a threeway?

Ted: You did not convince her you were Neil Armstrong. The moon landing took place seven years before you were born.

Barney: Ted, baby doll. Minor hurdle.

Marshall: It was completely terrifying.

Barney: It was completely terrifying.

Marshall: What are you doing?

Barney: Rehearsing. I'm totally going to pretend it happened to me later.

Lily: He naked-muggered you?

Barney: I'm not even going to ask where he was keeping the gun.

Ted: You sure it was a gun?

Barney: We knocked space boots. Houston, we have a moaner! Other space-related double entendres!

Barney: People like being lied to. They just don't like finding out they've been lied to.

Barney: Did the robber have five o'clock shadow and a ski cap?

Marshall: Yes, because I was robbed in 1947 at the corner of Abbott and Costello.

Barney: I'll believe Jack Palance is dead when I see the body.

Episode 20: "Home Wreckers"

Barney: She's a cougar, Ted!

Robin: I thought you said you can't be a cougar if you're over 50.

Barney: She's a Mellencamp.

Barney: [repeated line] Robin cried at Clint's song!

Barney: [to Robin] I'm sorry, they're all out of pretzels. I know how emotional they make you. It's okay. Let it go.

Ted: The auction was yesterday, my bid was accepted and I signed the papers this morning!

Barney: Was the Blair Witch easy to deal with or did she haggle over closing costs?

Ted: This is going to be the home I share with my future wife.

Barney: Is she in the room with us now, Ted?

Barney: [to Ted] Your mom and I got to second base.

Episode 21: "Twin Beds"

Barney: [after reading his letter] There's just a bunch of drawings of boobs.

Don: Guys, I came to apologize. I overreacted.

Barney: It's okay. We said some very hurtful things.

Don: No you didn't.

Barney: Right, that was after you left.

Barney: I must have Robin back.

Ted: You're moving in with him?

Robin: I'm considering it.

Barney: You're considering it? You barely know him! Plus, he's a loser with a dead end job!

Robin: We have the same job.

Barney: So I'm banging this Portuguese contortionist, right, and she's so flexible that at one point she was both on top of me AND underneath me. Up top AND down low! Who needs drinks?

Ted: [to Don] He means well ... actually I'm not sure if that's true.

Barney: [drunk, on phone] Hey Robin, it's Barn Door. Guess what, I'm open!

Barney: I stand by what I did. It was bold and romantic.

Ted: You soiled yourself from both ends of your body.

Episode 22: "Robots vs. Wrestlers"

Barney: One word. Made up. Douchepocalypse!

Barney: Ted, you are out of the gang FOREVER!

Ted: I'll see you guys tomorrow?

Marshall: Aww ... Lilllly ... babieeeeees!

Barney: I hope Ted is miserable right now.

Barney: You leave me no choice. If you have a daughter, the MINUTE she turns 18 ... GONNNNNNNNNG!

Barney: Rule #83. If anything coming out of that child's mouth lands on me, I get to touch Lily's boobs.

Marshall: Dude, what is it with you and my wife's boobs tonight?

Barney: [to Ted] Marisa Heller ... she sounds hot. Describe. Face, hair, boobs? Start with boobs.

Barney: Hey, Marisa Heller! Barney Stinson. Do you remember me? We met at a convention for bird owners.

Marisa: That's not possible.

Barney: Wicker lovers.

Marisa: No.

Barney: Stinson out!

Barney: I've got five tickets to Robots vs. Wrestlers!

Ted: That is awesome!

Barney: You've heard of Robots vs. Wrestlers?

Marshall: Not at all!

Ted: But we're assuming it's some sort of sporting event putting robots ... against wrestlers!

Barney: That's exactly what it is!

Barney: Zha Zha Gabor still looks good.

Barney: I'm gonna die alone. Ted's gonna be eaten by cats!

Episode 23: "The Wedding Bride"

Barney: The best baggage is "hates her dad, thinks she's fat when she isn't." Angry sexy on the first date, and by the time you mention breakfast, she's gone! Why do you guys even hang out with me?

Barney: Ted, please tell me you're not impugning emotional baggage.

Ted: Baggage is good?

Barney: Emotional baggage is the bedrock of America's most important cultural export.

Robin: Porn?

Barney: Actually, it's porn.

Barney: Kiss him! Kiss him!

Older Ted: Uncle Barney didn't say "kiss."

Theater employee: Sir, you need to leave. Now.

Barney: This is outrageous. Who the kiss are you?!

Episode 24: "Doppelgangers"

Barney: Estonia would close out the Baltics!

Barney: Kids!? No! Don't have kids! The rule is no kids until you're at least 45. Don't you EVER read my blog? It's gotten a lot better.

Barney: No! Time out! This is a group decision! You can't just move to Chicago unless we all say it's okay!

Ted: Barney, I think this has to be Robin's-

Barney: Stay out of this Brigitte Nielsen or Dolph Lundgren from Rocky IV!

Marshall: But you were the fifth doppelganger! How can you be ... you? I called you, we had a whole conversation, Barney, what happened?

Barney: Ah, yes. I know what happened. People at work have this very strange expectation that I, well, work. I know, I know. So to make my colleagues think I'm busting my hump while I'm really out humping busty chicks, I decided to record a special recording.

Marshall: How can it be a recording, you called me Big Chief, my special workplace nickname?

Barney: Oh, buddy.

Barney: You guys bangin'? Keep goin', I'm not even here. But just for the record? Having a baby? Big mistake.

Ted: We've all been searching for the five doppelgangers, right? Well eventually, over time, we all become our own doppelgangers. These completely different people who just happen to look like us. Five years ago? That girl was pretty great. But doppelganger Robin? She's amazing.