Season 3 Quotes

Season 3, Episode 1: "Wait for It"

Barney: We are going to an after-hours club so after-hours, it's three days from now. What up?

Ted: Oh my God! I have a tattoo!

Barney: That's not a tattoo. That, dear boy, is a tramp stamp.

Ted: Tramp stamp?

Barney: You know, a hoe tag, ass antlers, a Panama City license plate

Barney: What's up? Oh, and BTW, I am never speaking to Ted again.

Lily: Really? Not even if, say, butterflies flew out of his ass?

Barney: What are you doing? They know us here! You're gonna get us in trouble!

Amy: Tell me something, do you ask your tailor to leave extra room in the crotch for your huge vagina?

Barney: I... your vagina

Ted: I don't go to your country and try to seduce women with my sexy accent.

Barney: Of course not, Persian nightclub owner

Gael: Gael.

Ted: I'm sorry, so it's Gayle?

Gael: Gael.

Barney: ...Kyle?

Gael: Gael.

Marshall: ...Girl?

Robin: It's pronounced Guy-el.

Gael: It means joyful. That is why I live my life joyfully, and give to others. Especially those less fortunate than I.

Ted: I'm sorry, so it's Gayle?

Barney: It's not possible! You cannot have sex on a windsurfing board!

Lily: How do you know?

Barney: Glad you asked, Lily. I have crafted a list of all vehicles, land-based, aquatic, and airborne, in which / on which it is possible to have sex. Of these 33, I have had sex in / on 31. Windsurfing board: not on the list. Oh, PS in order to hit 33, all I need is bobsled and the Apollo 11 space capsule.

Lily: To get that last one, you'd have to break into the Smithsonian.

Barney: This conversation never happened.

Barney: Here it is: Acrobats from Montreal, they're super flexible. We are gonna get Cirque-du-So-laid. What uppppp?

Episode 2: "We're Not From Here"

 

Barney: We are moving from out-of-towners to in-their-pantsers

Barney: Within a triad of solar periods, you'll recognize your dearth of compatability with your paramour and conclude your association.

Robin: My journey was transformative and I reassert my committment to both the aforementioned paramour & the philosophies he espouses.

Gael: What are we talking of? Baseball?

Barney: It's all gonna return to masticate you in the glutials. Support my hypothesis, Ted.

Ted: I'm just jubilant my former paramour is jubilant.

Barney: You haven't changed, Scherbatsky. You're a sophisticated, Scotch-swilling, cigar-smoking, red-meat-eating, gun toting New Yorker

Barney [looking at Robin's travel photos]: Whoa. Are you topless? Ted, check this out.

Ted: Seen 'em. 

Episode 3: "Third Wheel"

Barney: Is the aggregate age of all participants under 83?

Ted: Yes.

Barney: Is the aggregate weight of all participants under 400 pounds?

Ted: Yes.

Barney: Theodore Mosby... are you paying these women?

Ted: What? No!

Barney: Stinson.

Ted: Okay, the beers are here.

Barney: Yeah, we're not gonna make it.

Ted: Oh, come on! We agreed!... Did Marshall take his pants off?

Barney: Yep, pants are off.

Marshall: This is Wimbledon, Ted! I need the freedom and mobility that only underwear can provide! Cheerio!

Ted: What? We agreed! I suited up!

Barney: You take too long to get ready.

Ted: What are you talking about? I got the low-maintenance, just-rolled-out-of-bed look.

Marshall: Which takes about an hour and a half of waxing, tugging and teasing to acheive.

Barney: And then he starts on his hair. Ace!

Episode 4: "Little Boys"

Robin: What's my "but"? You know, I'm really nice, but...

Ted (voiceover): But she's afraid of commitment.

Lily (voiceover): But she's a gun nut.

Barney (voiceover): But she's... Canadian.

Marshall (voiceover): But she doesn't like Field of Dreams.

All: I can't think of anything.

Robin: I like sports cars, but that doesn't mean I wanna push a Ferrari through my vagina.

Barney: Shotgun.

 

Episode 5: "How I Met Everyone Else"

[flashback to when Marshall met Barney]

Marshall: I'm not gonna cheat on my girlfriend.

Barney: Yes, you are, with the hottie that just walked in. Look at her.

[Lily walks in the bar]

Barney: How much hotter is she than your girlfriend?

Marshall: There's no comparison. What do you think Ted, should I go for it?

Ted: Don't do it, man, think about Lily?

Marshall: You know what, I don't care, I've been with the same woman for too long. I need me some strange.

Barney: Yes, yes! Okay, pep talk! You can do this, but to be more accurate, you probably can't. You're way out of practice and she's way too hot for you. So, remember, it's not about scoring. It's about believing you can do it, even though you probably can't. Go get 'em, tiger!

[Marshall gets up and goes up to the bar]

Barney: Poor guy's gonna crash and burn.

[Marshall and Lily kiss, Barney spits out his drink.]

Barney: That man is a god.

BlahBlah: So, we know how Marshall and Lily met. Robin, how did you and Barney meet?

Robin: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Barney and I are not together, no, no.

Barney: Really? Sixteen no's? Really?

Barney: Think of me like Yoda but instead of being little and green I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro - I'm Broda!

Episode 6: "I'm Not That Guy"

Barney: Oh, he's good. Classic seduction technique. I use it all the time. First, I buy her, and by her I mean you, a drink. Then I pretend to be interested in whatever she cares about, for you that would be the.. environment. I be all sympathetic and before you know it, you're naked in my apartment shouting, "Oh-oh, Ba-ar-nee-ee-ee!"

Episode 7: "Dowisetrepla"

Ted: There was a fight here.

Barney: What do you mean?

Ted: Whenever Marshall and Lily have a big argument, they always leave a trail of evidence all over the apartment.

Robin: Oh, God, here we go. He had a detective club as a kid.

Ted: Uh, the Mosby Boys cracked a lot of big cases.

Robin: The Mosby Boys? You mean you and your sister?

Ted: We solved the mystery of the missing retainer.

Robin: Let me guess: it was in the garbage?

Ted: Why are you like this?

Barney: I met a girl last night. So perky and full of life and not at all fake.

Ted: You're talking about her boobs, right?

Barney: C. And that wasn't Spanish, that was cup size. What up?

Meg: Yeah, I thought I was gonna get married to my last boyfriend. Boy, did that guy have committment issues. That whole relationship? That's three weeks of my life I'll never get back.

Barney: Well, I love committment. I wish I could marry committment.

Episode 8: "Spoiler Alert"

Marshall: If I have to wait until my results come in the mail, I'm gonna have a heart attack.

Barney: Based on that grocery list, I'd say diabetes is a bigger worry

[Ted is discussing his girlfriend Cathy]

Barney: Ted, let me tell you a little story about a young lady I wanted to have sex with, Lucilia. On a white sand beach in Rio de Janiero, we made love for ten straight hours. When we were done, she applauded, and told me that I was far far better than the best lover she could possibly imagine, and that I had restored her faith in god.

Ted: What does this have to do with Cathy?

Barney: Who's Cathy?

Marshall: [looking for his password] Jelly beans, fluffernutter, gummi bears, ginger snaps- this is a grocery list.

Robin: For who, a witch building a house in the forest?

Marshall: Sugar helps me study.

Barney: This is the kind of shopping a ten-year-old does when he's alone for the weekend.

Lily: Who leaves a 10 year old alone for the weekend?

Barney: And your mom was perfect.

Barney: She convinced you to go jogging? Wow, you really wanna get into this girl's pants

Episode 9: "Slapsgiving"

Barney: I've lost 10 pounds. My suits are wearing me

Barney: I'm not scared.

Marshall: Then why is your right cheek twitching?

Barney: I'ts not.

Marshall: Maybe it's because future me slaps future you so hard, it reverberates back to the present, shattering the Time-Slap Continuum!

Barney: Please. You took out all the suspense. In a horror movie, the killer does not grab a bull horn and announce: "Attention unsupervised teens here at the lake house. At precisely 3 am, I'm gonna jump outta that closet right there and hack you all up with a machete. PS: Fire is my one weakness

Robin: I'm sorry. Sometimes I forget how seriously you guys take American Thanksgiving. Real Thanksgiving happened over a month ago.

Barney: I'm sorry. Did you just say Canadian Thanksgiving was and I'm quoting "The Real Thanksgiving"? What do Canadians even have to celebrate about?

Barney: No way! March does not have 31 days!

Marshall: Yes it does! Everyone knows that. It's like general knowledge!

Ted & Robin [saluting]: General Knowledge!

Episode 10: "The Yips"

Model: You guys work for the company?

Barney: Yeah, it's called "I'm gonna get in your panties" incorporated.

Barney: But you said I rocked your world. All subsequent worlds that I rocked were only so rocked because of the confidence I earned from said first world rocking!

Rhonda: Sorry, Barry.

Barney: It's Barney

Barney: That was the night I was born. I rose like a phoenix from her mentholated bosom and strode into the world, Armani-clad and fully awesome

Barney [referring to his investing in women]: That's going to reward shareholders soon. I see aggressive growth in my future. What up!

Ted: I wound up shame-eating the whole pizza. I woke up all greasy and sweaty. My sheets looked like what they wrap Deli sandwiches in. Maybe I should join a gym. Do you go to a gym?

Barney: Well, I go to Total Rip Fitness. But I don't work out there.

Ted: What do you do?

Barney: I invest

Episode 11: "The Platinum Rule"

Robin: We can split a cab to work together, we always have a standing lunch date, and last night, at the hockey game, Curt got us into the locker room and I met Mason Raymond. [gang looks clueless] Left wing for the Vancouver Canucks!

Barney: What's the opposite of name-dropping?

Episode 12: "No Tomorrow"

Barney: Open your brain tank bro, cuz here comes some premium 91 octane knowledge. There's three rules of cheating: 1. It's not cheating if you're not the one who's married. 2. It's not cheating if her name has two adjacent vowels. 3. And its not cheating if she's from a different area code. You're fine on all three counts.

Ted: How do you know she's from a different area code?

Barney: She's 516. She might dress like she's 718 and act like she's 212, but trust me she's 516. Oh, and her husband letting her out alone on St. Patty's Day? If that dude's not 973 I'm 307...Wyoming.

Ted: Hi, I'm Ted.

Ashlee: Hi, I'm Ashlee -- with two E's.

Barney: Please, C's at most!

Episode 14: "The Bracket"

Barney: Hey! I don't remember you. I've spent the last two days trying to remember every girl that I've slept with and all of the horrible things that I have done to them-- and I have done some horrible things. I mean, at one point I'm pretty sure I sold a woman. I didn't speak the language, but I shook a guy's hands, he gave me the keys to a Mercedes, and I left her there. I am the guy who keeps a scrapbook of all the women I have slept with, but I never thought I was the guy who would sleep with a girl and not even remember her. So, from the bottom of my heart, for whatever I did to you, I apologize

Barney: There are four kinds of women who go to the hardware store by themselves.

Robin: Of course there are.

Barney: Single, recently single, recently divorced, lesbian who will let me watch.

Lily: You can not be more evil.

Barney: Sorry five. Recently widowed.

Episode 15: "The Chain of Screaming"

Barney: Shotgun for eternity!

Robin: You can't call shotgun for eternity.

Barney: I call that I can call things

Episode 16: "Sandcastles in the Sand"

Barney [referring to Robin's music video]: You know, if you re-edit there's a tampon commercial in here somewhere

Barney: You're the most awesome person I've ever met. Well, second.

Robin: Right, first being you.

Barney: No, actually, it's this guy I know who lives in something called the mirror. What up?

Episode 17: "The Goat"

Barney: So... I just slept with my best friend's ex-girlfriend.

Robin: And I just slept with ex-boyfriend's really good friend.

Barney: Best friend.

Barney: In my experience the way this normally goes is we lie here for a while; make a little awkward chit-chat.

Robin: Check.

Barney: Then I make up some cabinet meeting, heart surgery, rocket test flight I got to be at, slip out of your apartment and never call you again.

Robin: And later at the bar you tell your good friend Robin the story of your latest conquest and she wonders to herself "Who is this sad, self-loathing idiot who climbed in to bed with Barney Stinson?"

Barney: Actually, you usually say that out loud

Ted [about sleeping with Robin]: By the way, my mother is coming to visit next week. Maybe you would like to nail her too!?

Barney: Are you saying you don't want to be bros anymore?

Ted: I'm saying I don't want to be friends anymore

Ted: Hey Barney, I'm get rid of some of my old stuff; do you want my X-Box?

Barney: [gasps in horror] She has a name, Ted! Just what are you accusing me of?

Ted: Uh, liking video games

Robin: Now we go back to exactly the way things were before.

Barney: Okay.

Robin [whispering]: Okay.

Barney: All right... So Robin?

Robin: Yes Barney?

Barney: Guess who nailed the chick from Metro News One last night?

Robin: Okay, here's the deal Barney; the moment my feet touch the ground this never happened.

Barney: Okay. Wait! [lifts up covers] Right-Click, Save As, Into the b-peg folder and Okay! This never happened. It's a good plan

Episode 18: "Rebound Bro"

Barney: No offense, Randy, but there is a long list of candidates for this slot. This slot is Vice President of Awesome. And you're like Assistant Undersecretary of Only OK.

Episode 19: "Everything Must Go"

Barney: Why are you trying to ruin my life?

Abby: You slept with me and you never called me again.

Barney: And?

Abby: That's it!

Barney: That's it?! As far as I'm concerned if I leave you safe on a dry land with adequate transportation home you got nothing to complain about!

Barney: Abby and I are in love. Not hot, passionate love. Couple love! You know, movie night with my girlfriend then waiting for her to go to bed so I can steal one pitiful moment of hollow ecstasy by the cold blue light of my computer monitor