Season 1 Quotes

Season 1, Episode 1 Pilot

Lebanese girls are the new Half-Asians.

Suit Up

I thought I was your best friend. Ted, say I'm your best friend

How does Carl land a Lebanese girl. The guy doesn’t even own a suit.

Hey, haaave you met Ted?

Barney: Just one time when I say suit up I wish you'd put on a suit.

Ted : I did, that one time.

Barney : It was a Blazer!

Barney: Lesson one, lose the goatee, it doesn't go with your suit.

Ted: I'm not wearing a suit.

Barney: Lesson two, get a suit. Suits are cool, exhibit A. [points to his own suit] Lesson three, don't even think about getting married till you're thirty.

De-wait for it-nied. Denied!

A week. That’s like a year in hot girl time.

Ted: I got to do what that guy couldn’t, I got to take the leap. OK not a perfect metaphor because for me its falling in love and getting married and for him its death.

Barney: Actually that is a perfect metaphor.

Look at you you beautiful bastard your suited up. This is totally going in my blog.

2 weeks ago Spanish bar on 79th street, dish of olives you had some what up.

Barney [playing laser tag, on phone with Ted]: Hey, loser. How's not playing laser tag? Because playing laser tag is awesome! [kid fires at Barney as he runs by] Oh, I killed you, Conner! Don't make me get your mom!

Taxi driver: Actually, I'm from Bangladesh.

Barney: The women hot there?

Taxi driver: Here's a picture of my wife.

Barney [whispering]: A simple no would've sufficed

Episode 2 Purple Giraffe

Statistic: At every NY party there's  always a girl who has no idea at who's party she's at. She knows no one you and you will never see her again. Do you see….where I'm going….with this?

Girl from last night, I took her back to my place, then this morning took her outside, spun her around a couple of times and sent her walking, she will never find her way back,  and there she is.

Barney: So, it's over between me and... Works-with-Carlos girl.

Ted: Whoa, that was fast.

Barney: Yeah. I was trying to think, "What's the quickest way to get rid of a girl you just met?"

[flashback to about 5 seconds ago]

Barney: I think I'm in love with you.

Works-with-Carlos Girl: What?

[back in the present]

Barney: Oh, and Lily, that's my leg.

Lily: You waited five minutes to tell me that?

Taxi driver: Actually, I'm from Bangladesh.

Barney: The women hot there?

Taxi driver: Here's a picture of my wife.

Barney [whispering]: A simple no would've sufficed

Episode 3: "Sweet Taste of Liberty"

Phone Five! You didn’t phone five did you? I know when  you don’t phone five Ted.

Barney: You keep going to the same bar you are in a rut and I am a rutbuster .Im going to bust your rut.

Ted: Its not a rut, it’s a routine and I like it.

Barney: Ted, whats the first syllable in ru-tine ?

You need to put the bags in the carousel now or can listen to me give you a really long speech convincing you to put the bags in the carousel. Your move. [Ted doesn’t put the bags in the carousel].Ted since the dawn of time mankind has struggled…

Its gonna be legendary

Ted you’ve been living your whole life in a seatbelt. Its time to unclick

This is an outrage. We are international businessmen on a very important international business trip. I demand you release us immediately

Its gonna be legen-wait for it and hope your not lactose intolerant because the next half of that word is-dairy.

Look our forefathers died for the pursuit of happiness. Not for the sit around and wait for happiness

You can lick the Liberty Bells. You can grab life by the crack and lick the crap out of it.

We are a team. Without you I'm just a dynamic uno.

Barney: Ted, get in the cab. Marshall, you too.

Marshall: Uh I wish I could but I think me and Lily...

Barney: I understand. [to Ted] Come on!

Ted: Why can Marshall say no?

Barney: Uhh, because he's getting laid.

Ted: Barney, I am going to kill you.

Barney: Don't say you're gonna kill someone in front of airport security. Not cool

Ted: My friend does this thing where he goes to the airport and leaves fake luggage in order to meet women.

Airport Security Guard: No one is that lame.

Ted: He is. He is that lame. Barney, tell them you're that lame.

Barney: We are international businessmen

Episode 4: "Return of the Shirt"

There is only two reasons to ever date a girl who you’ve already dated.

Breast, Implants

[To Ted] You dumped a pornstar? Friendship over. Friendship over!

Robin: I am a journalist!

Barney: What? Journalist? You're the little fluff-pieces at the end of the news. Old people, babies, monkeys, that's not journalism. That's just things in a diaper

Barney: Did you sleep with her sister?

Ted: No..

Barney: Did you sleep with her mom?

Ted: No..

Barney: I'm losing interest in your story

Barney: No, that was a big mistake, Ted, you should have done it in person. Desperate please-don't-leave-me sex is amazing

Episode 5: "Okay Awesome"

[To Lily]One of the 24 similarities between girls and fish is that they are both attracted to shiny objects. You never really read my blog did you.

Barney: Hook up strategy ,colon. Find a cutlet, lock her in early, grind with her all night till shes mine.

Ted: These strategies ever work for you?

Barney: Question is, do these strategies ever not work for me. Either way the answers about half the time.

Robin: You are gonna love Kelly, she's fun, she's smart, she lives in the moment..

Barney: Translation: She's ugly, she's ugly, she ugs in the ugly

Marshall: And it's gonna be sweet, too. Like tonight, we're tasting all these different wines, pairing them up with these cool, gourmet cheeses.

Barney: Wow. Who knew being in a committed heterosexual relationship could make a guy so gay

Robin: He's even getting me into the VIP room.

Barney: He just wants to show you his own VIP, if you know what I mean

Episode 6: "Slutty Pumpkin"

Every Halloween I bring a spare costume. In case I strike out with the hottest girl at the party. That way I have a second chance to make a first impression.

You know what I love about Halloween. It’s the one night of the year chicks use to unleash their inner whorebag. The girl dresses up as a witch, she's a slutty witch. If she's a cat she's a slutty cat…

Flight Suit Up

Just know that this Victoria Secrets Party is on a yacht. And what will be sticking to the yacht? The Barnacle

Barney: You know, Ted, it's been four years. She could be engaged or married or, God forbid, fat

Barney: This party sucks. There are seven chicks here. [guy in dress takes off blond wig] There are six chicks here

[Barney and Ted discuss Halloween plans as Ted is dressed as a Hanging Chad...]

Barney: Okay, here's the plan, and I crap you not. I am getting us into the Victoria's Secret Halloween party. Trust me, by the end of the night, your chad will not be hanging.

Episode 7: "Matchmaker"

Come on Lily, don’t hate the player. Hate the game

Barney [referring to matchmaking service]: Come on, Ted, this is an incredible opportunity; we'll meet our soul mates, nail 'em and never call 'em again

Barney: Ted, these chicks are desperate and hot, that's a perfect cocktail, shake well, then sleep with.

Episode 8: "The Duel"

Barney: You need to mark your territory, and I don't mean missing the toilet

[Girl at the bar keeps checking Barney out]

Barney: I'm sort of on a date with her.

Ted: What

Barney: I found her online. Im tired of the whole bar scene, the one night hook ups. I'm looking for a soul mate. Someone who I can love and cuddle. Or so it says in my profile.[Follows with an evil laugh]

Episode 9: "Belly Full of Turkey"

Im the Angelina Jolie of incredibly hot guys.

Barney: I've done so much good today, I've got, like, a "soul boner"

Barney: Okay, Ted. I found a way for you to help someone, to do some good. This is Walter. Walter is homeless. And Walter would like a lap dance.

Ted: Are you joking?

Barney: I never joke about the sublime art of burlesque entertainment

Episode 10: "The Pineapple Incident"

Ted: Why are you sleeping in our tub?

Barney: The porcelain keeps the suit from wrinkling.

Lily: Wait, were you here when I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night?

Barney: Don't worry, I slept through it. I totally didn't sleep through it. For a little girl, you've got a big tank

Lily: You know who might have something to say about Ted's future with Robin? Robin. Go wake her up.

Ted: Wake her up and say what?

Barney: Daddy's home

Ted: Yea and say what? What's our big opening line?

Barney: I was uh...."Daddy's home".

Ted: Daddy's home?

Barney: Yeah!

Ted: Okay, you..you want us to go over there, right now, and say to those girls, "Daddy's home." Really think about that, Barney.

Barney: Hmm...yea, I think it's pretty solid

Barney: Ted, I believe you and I met for a reason. It's like the universe was saying, "Hey Barney, there's this dude, he's pretty cool, but it is your job to make him awesome"

Barney: Your brain screws you up Ted. It gets in the way. It happened with Robin, it happened with half-boob... and it's gonna keep on happening until you power down that bucket of neurosis, inebriation style[Pointing to the shots]

Episode 11: "The Limo"

Barney: Oh, wait, wait, wait. We have to turn around. We left Natalya.

Lily: Barney, none of us really liked her.

Barney: What?!

Lily: Sorry.

Barney: Oh, very nice, Lily. You know, she is a guest in this country. So while you may choose to turn your back on her, I choose to turn my front on her

Lily: So where are you from, Natalya?

Barney: She...who knows. The former Soviet republic of Drunk-Off-Her-Ass-Istan?

Barney: Oh sure laugh, laugh for Barney Stinson. Laugh for the sad clown trapped on his whirling carousel of suits and cigars and bimbos and booze. Round and round it goes, and where's it all heading? Nowhere

Episode 12: "The Wedding"

I mean seriously, Claudia and Stuart? I mean I have hooked up with the odd lass who is beneath my level of attractiveness... but... you know I was drunk. There is no way Claudia has been drunk for three years

Barney: Don't beat yourself up. He'll be fine. I mean, the guy's like a billionaire. He can put his platinum card on a fishing line and win ten chicks hotter than you

Barney: If that dude can bag a 9, I got to be able to bag a 16.

Ted: What's a 16?

Barney: Those two 8's right over there

Ted: Yes, on Saturday, after a little wine and a little dancing...

Barney: Alright, they better be making a new gender, because I'm revoking your dude license.

Episode 13: "Drumroll, Please"

Barney [on the phone]: This better be good. I'm about to enter Nirvana. By the way I should get you Nirvana's phone number, she gives a great massage. Say whaaaat

Barney: Sorry, buddy, wish I could help you, but my hands are tied. Oh, no wait. That was last night

Ted: Great I'm gonna need you to call her for me.

Barney: You know I won't.

Ted: Why not?

Barney: Because we just hooked up last night. I can't call the girl the next day, I have to wait at least like...forever, Oh Snap! Never gonna call her

Episode 14: "Zip, Zip, Zip"

Robin: No. I thought we're just hanging out as friends.

Barney: Oh, come on. You've been throwing yourself at me all night.

Robin: What? I did the opposite, I threw some other girl at you.

Barney: You invited me up to your apartment to play Battleship. Is that not an international recognized term for sex?

[playing laser tag...]

Barney: Don't be a hero, Sherbatsky!

Robin: See you on the other side.

Both: Yaahhhhh! Charging!

[Both got shot]

Barney: Damn, wanna get a soft pretzel?

Robin: Sure

[Barney is stripping down...]

Robin: What the hell are you doing?

Barney: I'm birthday suiting up!

Barney: The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she's 17 years, 11 months old

Robin: Well, it looks like it's gonna be just you and me.

Barney: Really?

Robin: Actually, I was talking to my martini

Episode 15  "Game Night"

Barney: Believe it or not, I was not always as awesome as I am today

Barney [making a fake phone call]: Hi, leg warehouse? Yeah, my friend Ted needs something to stand on... So, nothing for him to stand on? Ok, thanks so much

Barney: Plus, here's the mini-cherry on top of the regular cherry on top of the sundae of awesomeness that is my life

Barney: My life rocks! Money, suits, and sex? These are tears of joy! I could be cooped up in an apartment, changing some brat's poopy diaper but instead I'm out in the world being awesome 24/7/365! You let me dodge a bullet, big guy

Barney: Ladies, gentlemen, Ted. This has been a wonderful evening. I got great dirt on all you guys. I got Ted to tell the Re-return. I finally nailed Shannon. Told her I'd call her tomorrow...yeah, right! And I rediscovered how awesomely awesome my life is. Peace out, hombres!

Marshall: I think Barney just won game night

 

Episode 17  "Life Among the Gorillas"

Barney: Marshall, I should feel tremors of psych-itude rock my body like a seizure. That was like a declawed, pregnant cat on a porch swing idly swatting at a fly on a lazy Sunday afternoon.

Marshall: Wow, that was really specific

Barney [to Marshall]: You're different. Now I suppose you could learn to love yourself for the unique little snowflake you are or you could change your entire personality... which is just so much easier

Episode 18: "Nothing Good Happens After 2 A.M."

Barney: Come on, Lily, how many women can say that they have been personally serenaded by Korean Elvis?

Marshall: Look Barney you tried I think that's great but we're going.

Barney: No! No! Come on.

Marshall: Yes!

Barney: Dude! We haven't hit legendary yet, we're only at the Le, we still got the Gen, the Da, the Ry.

Lily: Ok if were at the Le then I say we follow it up with the Tss go home.

Marshall: Oh wow you just got burned phonic style

Barney: Kids, you don't give half a brown Crayola what I do for a living, do you?

Kids: Noo

Barney: I know what you want. Magic!

Marshall: Well, I'm better friends with Ted than you are.

Barney: That is a lie!

Marshall: It is not a lie.

Barney: Okay, that's it! You and me! I'm not afraid of you!

Marshall: I'll show you things you never seen before!

Barney: I used to box in the Army

Episode 19: "Mary the Paralegal"

Barney: Do you have some puritanical hang up on prostitution? Dude, it's the world's oldest profession.

Marshall: You really think that's true?

Barney: Oh yea, I bet even Cro-Magnons used to give cave hookers, like, an extra fish for putting out.

Marshall: Ah ha, so the oldest profession would be fishermen. Kaboom! You've been lawyered!

Barney: Dude your views on professional fornicators are harshing my mellow

Barney: That's adorable Ted. You're such a hayseed. The companionship business is the growth industry of the 21st century. You do realize that 1 out of every 8 adult women in America is a prostitute.

Marshall: Dude you just made that up.

Barney: Withdrawn.

Marshall: Lawyered!

Barney: Do it! Come on Ted, do it! It's one of those things you have to do before you turn 30.

Ted: What? Sleep with a prostitute?

Barney: No, lose your virginity! What Up!

Ted: I should just skip this thing entirely. Robin is still pissed at me after, you know.

Barney: You lied and said you were broken up with Victoria before you actually were, so you could try and nail Robin and you end up losing both girls in one night.

Ted: Yes, that's what I meant by "you know".

Ted: Look, I shouldn't go.

Marshall: You should definitely go, look, it's a chance to show her you are still friends and that you support her.

Barney: Or it's a chance to mess with her head by showing up with someone hotter, or even better, triple threat, hotter and bigger boobs!

Ted: That's only two.

Barney: Count again!!

Episode 20: "Best Prom Ever"

Lily: Do you think we look young enough to blend in at a high school?

Barney: Please, I'm ageless. Scherbatsky just needs a good night's sleep and you've got statutory written all over your body.

Lily: Your job is very simple. At the wedding, do not sleep with anyone even remotely related to me.

Barney: Yea. Lily, you know I can't promise that

Robin: I never got to go to my prom; we always had field hockey nationals in the spring.

Barney [coughs and then waits to say]: Lesbian!

Robin: The cough was supposed to cover the lesbian.

Barney: No, I'm trying to start a thing where the cough is separate

Lily & Robin: (to Barney about their prom dresses) Alright, what do you think?

Barney: Horrible!

Lily: (disgusted) You'd make such a great dad.

Barney: It's so classy and nice; you're going to stick out like a sore thumb. Have you seen how the kids are dressing these days? With the Ashley, and the Lindsay and the Paris. They all dress like strippers. It's go ho or go home.

Lily: Well we have to get in. I have to see this band because we have to make a decision by Monday because I'm getting married in 71 days and we still...

Robin: (cutting off Lily's panicked rant) Shhh shhhh. Sweetie, let's focus on one thing at a time, okay? Right now you just have to dress like a whore and that's it.

Lily: Alright.

Barney: That's the spirit. Now ladies, slut up!

Barney: Guys, I just tasted an amazing caterer.

Lily: We already have a caterer.

Barney: Oh right! You're getting married. [to Ted] You see what I did there?

Barney: We'll just sneak in.

Marshall: We are not sneaking in to a high school prom.

Lily: Yes we are, it's the only way.

Ted: You are getting on board with Barney's idea? Man, you really have snapped

Episode 21: "Milk"

Barney: This feud goes so far back, I don't even remember who fired the first shot.

Marshall: You?

Barney: Totally!

Episode 22: "Come On"

Barney: You are forcing me to be the voice of reason. And that's not a good look for me!

Penelope: This wrong guy, is he a huge jackass?

Ted: Absolutely.

Penelope: Kind of like Barney?

Ted: Kind of.

Barney: Hey!

Penelope: You hit on my mom!

Barney: We weren't exclusive!

Penelope: Why the hell should I help you?

Barney: Come on, I know it didn't work out between us, but we did have a relationship.

Penelope: We had sex twice in your car and then you dumped me. How is that a relationship?

Barney: Twice!